Saturday, February 18, 2017

How Do You Hide Your Boogers?

I wrote the stupid list you're about to read right after the holidays as a result of a conversation with one of my sisters about proper booger disposal. I forgot about the article until earlier this week, when my two-year-old jammed two peas so far up his left nostril that my wife had to use a really uncomfortable YouTube remedy to dislodge them. Anyways, once again, I've got boogers on the brain.

If you're shaking your head in puzzlement or disgust right now, you have two options: stop reading or just admit that you do it, too. You do it, just like I do it, just like college football coaches do it:

We're all in this booger journey we call life together, so let's not pretend otherwise. After we acknowledge that truth, the pressing question becomes where we should stash our boogs.

The topic of booger hiding spots was already tackled a little bit in a 2015 Reddit thread. Some of the responses were lame ("In my nose"), others were interesting ("It's pretty gross but on the inside of the bottom cuff of my jeans."), but only a few made me laugh out loud. Here's a winner, taken verbatim: "Im that person that wipes them off my finger and on to toilet handles or toilet paper dispensers in public places". That's the type of weird-ass honesty we're looking for here. With that being said, here are my top eight booger-hiding spots:
  • Under the driver's seat of my car
  • Under the passenger seat of my wife's car
  • On the underside of the wooden bedframe on my side of the bed
  • On the wooden piece midway down the back of the couch
  • On the windowsill next to my desk at work
  • Into a tissue when the situation absolutely calls for it (come on, I'm not a savage)
  • Into my hand when I'm swimming in the ocean (no joke, one of my favorite things to do in the whole world)
  • The sole of my shoe (much more sterile than the cuff of the jeans)
To recap, I basically put my boogers in all the spots where I'd think you were an ingrate if you put your gum. It's a double-standard and I'm a hypocrite, but so what?

Some other things you might have noticed:
--I'm a rubber, not a flicker.
--Wood conducts boogers as well as metal conducts electricity.
--You need a booger hiding spot for all facets of your life. Home, work, your commute, on vacation -- the boogers won't relent, so your index finger can't either.
--Just don't get so bored that you jam a pea up there.

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Follow Francis Tolan on Twitter @frantweet

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