Chapman! Miller! Beltran! Nova! Burn this baby down!
For months, I was Nervous Pervis every time Miller entered a game or Beltran came to the plate, for fear that precious trade value might disappear with a serious injury. Basically, I gave this Yankees team a Ray Guy-level punt at some point in June and I was just worried that the organization's Tampa contingent wouldn't do the same until it was too late.
Now, it's a little depressing that rebuilding is officially underway in the Bronx, but I'll be dreaming about the Yankees offering half of Greenwich Village to Manny Machado and the entire Upper West Side to Bryce Harper at the end of 2017. In honor of the front office's major activity of the past week, here are five action movie comparisons to help us put those transactions into perspective:
Terms of Trade: LHP Aroldis Chapman to Cubs for RHP Adam Warren, SS Gleyber Torres, RF Billy McKinney and OF Rashad Crawford
Best Movie Comparison: Air Force One
Gary Oldman's Ivan Korshunov: Definitely a bad guy. Aroldis Chapman: Probably a bad guy. Harrison Ford's James Marshall: Definitely a good guy (even though he was a Michigan fan). Gleyber Torres: Hopefully a good guy (and maybe a future star). At one point in the film, Glenn Close traded another bad guy for President Marshall. It's not a perfect comparison, but this trade was dang close to the plot of Air Force One. I loved both.
Terms of Trade: LHP Andrew Miller to Indians for RHP Ben Heller, CF Clint Frazier, RHP J.P. Feyereisen and LHP Justus Sheffield
Best Movie Comparison: Troy
Here, Andrew Miller is the betrayed Menelaus and Clint Frazier is the long-haired Achilles. Shoot, I can't believe the Yanks made my man shear those locks. As long as he's putting opposing pitchers on funeral pyres for the next few years, I guess I'll be okay with it.
Terms of Trade: RHP Vicente Campos to Diamondbacks for RHP Tyler Clippard
Best Movie Comparison: Mission: Impossible
To me, this move was the one head-scratcher of the quintet. While all four other trades seemed to bring back prospects with other prospects hidden inside of them, the Clippard deal was the opposite. Was it really necessary to try to replace the duo of Chapman and Miller for this season? Clippard is 31 years old, and he's probably reached his decline phase. It was impossible to adequately replace the relievers the team traded, so why even give up a prospect to try?
Terms of Trade: RF Carlos Beltran and cash to Rangers for RHP Nick Green, RHP Erik Swanson and RHP Dillon Tate
Best Movie Comparison: The Score
Beltran is De Niro's character, trying to cash in on his skills one last time. The Yankees are hoping at least one of the young pitching prospects turns into the equivalent of the valuable sceptre the safe-crackers are after.
Terms of Trade: RHP Ivan Nova to Pittsburgh Pirates for Player To Be Named Later and Player To Be Named Later
Best Movie Comparison: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Like The Phanton Menace, Nova could never live up to the hype. But, hey, at least he brought back TWO players to be named later.
I hope you enjoyed this, because we're probably going to need a lot of silliness to get us through the next 18 months. Still, the Yankees turned an important corner this week, and it will pay off when we're smoking victory cigars in the fall of 2018. Should we hold the after-party in Machado's neighborhood or Harper's?
If you want to subscribe to How Blank, just type in your email address on the right side of the page. You'll get a notification every time we post new content.
Follow Francis Tolan on Twitter @frantweet