Monday, March 28, 2016

How Would John Sterling's Drunken Home Run Calls Sound?

At the beginning of Spring Training, I enlisted our old friend Kavanaugh's help in guessing John Sterling's new home run calls. At the end of his e-mail, he said this:

"You know, it would also be fun guessing how he'd call HRs for all the Yankees if Susan slipped some Jameson into his coffee up in the booth, and he all of a sudden got really inappropriate."

Yes! Here's what happened when we went through the whole lineup and imagined Sterling's boozed-up home run call for each guy. Sorry it got a little (a lot?) off-color at times:

Francis Tolan:
Here's the projected starting lineup, according to RotoChamp:

1 Jacoby Ellsbury
2 Brett Gardner
3 Alex Rodriguez
4 Mark Teixeira
5 Carlos Beltran
6 Brian McCann
7 Chase Headley
8 Starlin Castro
9 Didi Gregorius

Step right up, Jacoby Ellsbury! Here's how Sterling would call your dingers if he was half in the bag: "Jacoby makes me ... 'bury ... horny!"*

*I also thought up an R-rated slant rhyme with the word "Jacoby" and something that Suzyn and Jawn could do in the booth. 

Brian Kavanaugh:
Awesome! Next ... "It is high, it is far, it is..GONE! Gardner?! I hardly know her!"

Love that one! Up third ... "Another A-Bomb! From A-Rod! ... Shhh, don't tell Tanaka."

"It is...GONE! We're rounding all the bases, Suzyn, it's Texy Time!"

"Carlos Belts one! ... And Suzyn's feeling it below the belt..."

Is it horrible that I'm turning Hypothetical Drunken Sterling into a crude old lecher?

Haha, no, I really like each of them including Suzyn by either addressing her or talking about her -- the more lecherous the better.

Up next, Brian McCann. "McCann I get a HELL YEAH, Suzyn?!"

HELL, YEAH! It's impressive how you've turned Sterling into a frat boy.

If you like lecherous, I could really work wonders with Chase Headley. Let's just go with this one: "Assault with a HEADLEY weapon! Chase just used his bat to treat the pitcher like Nicky Santoro from Casino."

Haha, I really like "Assault with a Headley weapon," drunk Sterling or sober. Next: (Ron Burgundy-style low-pitch drunken singing) "CaaaaSTROOO Me, Stroo Me! Stro!" (pounds table) "Stro!" (pounds table).

This one is a little out there. Sterling would make say this to the tune of "The Stroke" by Billy Squier. So the call could also be "CaaaaSTROKE me, stroke meeee!".

Here's the call I jokingly wished Sterling would use for Didi last year: ""Gruh-, Gruh-, Gruh-, Gregooorious" sung to the tune of 'Notorious B.I.G.'"

I think Sterling would go for it if he was under the influence. Another option: "Di-di goes deep. And you know how I feel about Double-D's, Suzyn."

Do you want to round this out by taking one of the bench guys?

"GONE! Heathcott with his eighth dinger of the year. We're getting Slade tonight, Suzyn!"

I don't know if you're talking about sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, or something else. But I guess you could say that about 90 percent of these home run calls. Besides, I'm just happy that you foresee eight homers by Heathcott. Your spring optimism is wonderful!

Good work, man. If Sterling ever pulls a Harry Caray and broadcasts a game under the influence, we'll be able to say that we predicted it here first.

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Follow Francis Tolan on Twitter @frantweet

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