Thursday, May 7, 2015

How Are Spring Sports Like Fat, Naked Bikers?

Remember Shooter McGavin? He was the hilarious bad guy in Happy Gilmore and also the bad guy in the hilariously bad Celtic Pride. Here's one of Shooter's most underrated lines:

"I saw two big, fat, naked bikers in the woods off of 17 having sex. How am I supposed to CHIP with that going on, Doug?"

Well, if Shooter's ability to chip is analogous to my ability to live a normal life, spring sports are my fat, naked bikers. How am I supposed to LIVE with all these great games going on? And I'm doomed until the end of June because my fat, naked bikers aren't going away.

Last year, I wrote breathlessly about how the NBA playoffs were consuming my life. Even though this season's NBA Round 1 paled in comparison, sports are ubiquitous once again. When I combine nightly hoops action with again jostling for position aboard the Rangers Bandwagon and following my first-place Yankees, I'm positively whelmed. A few times every night, I actually miss part of an important game because I'm so transfixed on another, more important game. It's all more of an ordeal than taking a brood of children to a Yankee game.

When you throw a newborn baby into the mix, I'm more tired than Jerry and Kramer during the Kenny Rogers Roasters episode:
Via osu.edu
You'd think that focusing the bulk of your attention on sports instead of your job would be relaxing. But the opposite is true. As Jerry would say, "Oh, I'm stressed."

It's a good thing that my summer vacation starts at the end of June. I'm really going to need to kick back after all this grueling sports-watching. I'll probably need a few weeks to cleanse my eyes after staring at those fat, naked bikers for so long.


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