Wednesday, March 25, 2015

How Many 'Sandlot' Scenes Could the Yankees Pull Off?

In a nod to one of the best scenes in The Sandlot, the Yankees released this video yesterday:

Ah, Spring Training, when pitchers pretend to have four arms during interviews and the most business-like team in the game puts out a horribly-acted video imitating a children's movie from the '90s. I loved this parody for the aforementioned weak acting, for Jacoby Ellsbury's believable turn as Squints, and for Brian McCann's hammy impersonation of Ham Porter.

Here are several other scenes from The Sandlot the Yankees could pull off this year:

"You play ball like a girl!"*
In this scenario, McCann again plays the part of Ham. Imagine the Red Sox showing up at Yankee Stadium on Citi Bikes, followed by this spirited dialogue:

Ellsbury as Squints: "Oh, no!"
Yankees throw down their gloves.
David Ortiz as This Douche: "It's easy when you play with a buncha rejects and the fat kid over there." (Ortiz points at CC Sabathia.)
Alex Rodriguez as Benny: "Shut your mouth, Ortiz!"
McCann as Ham: "What'd you say, crapface?"
Ortiz: "I said you shouldn't even be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Ellsbury, you're all an insult to the game." (Ortiz winks at his former teammate.)
McCann:: "We'll take you on right here, right now. C'mon!"
All Yankees: "Yeah!"
Ortiz: "We play in a real stadium, McCann, not like that sterile "new" building you play in. You ain't even good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats!"
McCann:: "Watch it, jerk!"
Ortiz: "Shut up, idiot!"
McCann: "Your team just signed a fatty!"
Ortiz: "Well, yours has a cheater!"
McCann:: "So, probably, does yours."
Ortiz: "Well, yours has more than one."
McCann:: "Your team has a lack of hustle!"
Ortiz: "Yours has the weak little brother!"
McCann:: "Well, you're a DH; you don't even play the field. As a matter of fact...You play ball like a GIRL!"

*By the way, Mo'ne Davis would have dominated all of the sandlot players, with the definite exception of Benny the Jet and the possible exception of Ham. 

The Wendy Peffercorn Kiss
As far as I can tell, Tanaka's spouse is the hottest of the Yankees wives. If Ellsbury, a.k.a. Squints, ever put the moves on the Japanese pop star, I'm pretty sure we'd have another Pearl Harbor situation on our hands. (The Spurs organization knows locker room hanky-panky all too well.)

"The Jet stole home!" 
I can absolutely envision Brett Gardner stealing home in Game 2 of the World Series this season, similar to Benny's clutch swipe of home in a huge Dodgers win. However, a few facts make this hypothetical a virtual impossibility. First, stealing home in the World Series is amazing when it happens, but it very rarely happens. (Robinson's was the last straight steal of home in Series history.) Second, this scenario would require the Yankees to make the postseason, which Baseball Prospectus currently gives a 22% chance of happening.

Roller Coaster Puking 
Photo via
In The Sandlot, Bertram gives each of the guys a wad of Big Chief, and they all barf their lungs out after experiencing the spins and twists of an amusement park ride. Well, if the Yanks have a roller-coaster season that they punctuate with their first losing record since 1992, I might just throw up.

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