Sunday, March 22, 2015

How Fictional Is Kris Bryant?

On the MLB.com blog Cut4, Michael Clair posted a fun piece in which he compared Kris Bryant to "The Kid Who Only Hit Homers." The post brought me back to my childhood days of plowing through Matt Christopher novels. (Yes, I had Coke-bottle glasses and religiously kept score of every Yankees game. Don't act like you weren't a nerd, too.) Anyways, Bryant's recent home run binge caused me to analogize the Cubs phenom to five other fictional characters. Who does Bryant remind me of besides Sylevester Coddmeyer III? Glad you asked!

5. William Wallace
 

Both are devastatingly handsome, with penetrating blue eyes. Each guy also seems like he could shoot fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. One of Bryant's only weaknesses is that he doesn't have an alliterative name, like William Wallace or one of the Kardashians. Do you think we can get him to change his name to Kris Krusher or something?

Yes, William Wallace is technically a historical figure, but the Mel Gibson version was pretty much a fictional action hero. And speaking of action heroes...

4. Domino
Domino and Bryant were both born in 1992. And read the first line of the Marvel character's Wikia page: "The woman who would become known as Domino was actually the result of a top-secret government breeding program intended to develop the perfect weapon." Domino also went on to join a mercenary group called "The Wild Pack," a.k.a. "The Six Pack." Bryant and fellow Cubs youngsters Javier Baez, Jorge Soler, Addison Russell, Kyle Schwarber, and C.J. Edwards might be forming their own Wild/Six Pack in the next few seasons.

3. ManBearPig
Bryant has the same three parts as the South Park monster. Obviously, Bryant's a man, albeit a genetically superior one. The bear portion of Bryant stems from the Cubs nickname. To be a Cub, you must also be a bear. Finally, Bryant is a pig in that he's gluttonous for taters. Bryant has feasted on Spring Training pitching to the tune of eight homers, twice as many (!) as anyone else.

2. Henry Rowengartner
Both Bryant and the protagonist of Rookie of the Year are young prodigies that play for the Cubs and seem to accomplish feats that previously seemed impossible. Bryant probably has a hot mom who used to be a softball pitcher and sleeps with Gary Busey, too.

1. Paul Bunyan
You thought I was going with Roy Hobbs, didn't you? Like Bunyan, Bryant has superhuman strength. The slugger has also done most of his damage west of the Mississippi this spring, which parallels the story of the mythical lumberjack. If Bryant shows up to Triple-A Iowa riding on a blue ox, don't say I didn't warn you.


Please check back tomorrow for more of my baseball preview, as I'll be analyzing the teams whose World Series odds suffered the most this offseason.


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