Friday, February 6, 2015

How Horribly Unnecessary Is This Product???

That's right! I put an adjective and an adverb into the title. The three question marks also speak to the strong feelings I've developed about the topic of this post. I ain't playin' around here.

After I got married and took my first trip to Bed Bath & Beyond, I didn't think there could be a store filled with more unnecessary crapola. That was before I ever set foot inside Buy Buy Baby. The store should change its name to "Buy [More Crap] Buy [More Shit] [And Make a Wussie out of Your] Baby". I guess it makes sense, then, that the two stores are owned by the same company. The same crooked, thieving, terrible company.

My wife and I went to Buy Buy Baby last week to buy our future kid a carseat, and I was dumbfounded by the oodles of unnecessary products. Kerry joked that she would love to take my grandmother inside the store just to see how few products Grandma would even recognize. I estimated that Grandma -- who raised eight (maladjusted, but so what?) kids -- would have no use for 98% of the products. She'd be like Scuttle, trying to make sense of the various dinglehoppers and snarfblats.

Amid the sea of nonsensical items, though, one horrible product stood out to me. It was even worse than the Shampoo Rinser (an overpriced bucket) and the Wipe Warmer (a heater for the baby's ass-crack). Even worse than the Pacifier Wipes (expensive baby wipes) and the Diaper Genie (an extra trash can). Yes, it was much more unnecessary than all of those things.

Here's a photo of the product I'm talking about:

It's officially called the "Brica Deluxe Kick Mat." However, I've taken to calling it the "Tell Your Kid to Stop Kicking the Fucking Seat so You Don't Need This Mat." Seriously, how is the mom in that photo smiling? If that was my mother, she would be snarling, "Stop kicking the seat!" But at least my mom could have rested easily knowing that she didn't waste $17.99 on a goddamn Deluxe Kick Mat.

How do you feel about the Deluxe Kick Mat, Charles Barkley?

Thanks, Sir Charles. I wholeheartedly agree.

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