Friday, December 5, 2014

How Insightful Is Grandma's Letter?

For those of you who enjoy my accounts of my grandmother as a character on this blog, you're in luck. The most awesome old lady in the world made it through another Thanksgiving!

And Grandma gave us yet another reason to be thankful this year. For my birthday -- which fell at the end of Thanksgiving weekend -- Grandma wrote a rebuttal to all the jabs I've taken at her on this blog. While the check that came with the letter was probably more "valuable," the written message was certainly the better gift. Here's Grandma's missive, on three index cards. I'll transcribe her words below the photos:







Dear Francis,

Now it's easy for you to make fun of old ladies who live their lives and their enjoyment is buying Lotto tickets or going to New Jersey or Pennsylvania or wherever the senior buses take them for their gambling trips.

Now we rich old ladies became rich because we never bought a pack of cigarettes or a bottle or can of beer. If the Breweries depended on us they would be out of business. The same goes for cigarettes. I've never smoked so I never bought cigarettes and thus my doctor bills were very small.

Also as long as our S.S. checks keep coming we won't have to borrow from our grandchildren so see how lucky you are. 

Just remember if they earned their money legitimately and it belongs to them, they* can throw it away, burn it or buy Lottos.

*The They means the old ladies


Love, Grandma

Shit, I don't know where to begin. I'm not expecting to see this on Letters of Note anytime soon, mainly because it's pretty much just an indictment of my lifestyle and that of my uncles. Still, I wouldn't be a decent grandson if I didn't break down the letter and make fun of Grandma throughout the exercise. Let's go paragraph-by-paragraph:

Now it's easy for you to make fun of old ladies who live their lives and their enjoyment is buying Lotto tickets or going to New Jersey or Pennsylvania or wherever the senior buses take them for their gambling trips.

First of all, how awesome is Grandma's script? She wrote calligraphy invitation envelopes for our wedding and people raved about it. If Grandma ever transcribed Mein Kampf, people probably wouldn't find it offensive anymore.

Most of my needling of Grandma stems from her love of gambling, so that was a natural starting point for this letter. I love how she says "wherever the senior buses take them." You get the sense that if there was a casino in hell, Grandma and her crew wouldn't mind being dropped off there. I guess that explains her lack of aversion to New Jersey.

Now we rich old ladies became rich because we never bought a pack of cigarettes or a bottle or can of beer. If the Breweries depended on us they would be out of business. The same goes for cigarettes. I've never smoked so I never bought cigarettes and thus my doctor bills were very small.

So I have my beer, Aunt Bernadette has her cigarettes, and you have gambling? I guess you're saying we're a family of addicts? Welp, you're at the top of that Family Tree of Sin.

Also as long as our S.S. checks keep coming we won't have to borrow from our grandchildren so see how lucky you are. 

Ever hear of a comma, Grandma? Or did they not have those during the Depression? Extra punctuation wasted too much ink, I guess.

Also, I'm not that lucky because I most certainly won't have similar S.S. benefits when I'm Grandma's age. I guess I better pray hard that she wins big on one of her gambling bus trips to "wherever."

Just remember if they earned their money legitimately and it belongs to them, they* can throw it away, burn it or buy Lottos.

So strippers and prostitutes are okay, as long as you rent them with legitimately-earned money. You heard it from Grandma first.

*The They means the old ladies

God bless the old ladies. Without them, we wouldn't have moments like the funniest Instagram video I've ever seen, in which Grandma repeatedly calls an iPhone a "chaw-klit bar."

Without old ladies, we also wouldn't be privy to wise nuggets like "Gambling Good; Beer Bad." Or this one, which Grandma laid on my uncle Chris over the phone: "That's probably why you don't have a wife. You don't read people's letters or write them back."

Well, I'm damn glad I read Grandma's letter. I just hope she's not too offended that I wrote back.



If you want to subscribe to How Blank, just type in your email address on the right side of the page. You'll get a notification every time we post new content.

Follow FranT on Twitter at @frantweet and follow Brian Kavanaugh at @btkav

No comments:

Post a Comment