Thursday, November 13, 2014

How Can Dumb and Dumber Explain This NBA Season?

I plan on seeing Dumb and Dumber To next week, and I have a review coming. In order to get excited for that, I figured I'd review the NBA season with the help of some quotes from the original Dumb and Dumber. Let's take a swing around the Association with Harry and Lloyd as our guides.

(All NBA stats are current through Wednesday. All Dumb and Dumber quotes will be funny forever.)

"Pretty bird."
The sickest scene in the movie -- as the blind kid pets the headless parakeet -- goes to the sickest athlete in the NBA. Anthony Davis has put up absurd stats thus far (24.9 points and a league-leading 12.9 boards and 4.4 blocks per game). Davis, unibrow and all, is a much prettier bird than Petey or New Orleans' mascot Pierre.

"Do you realize what you've done?"

This quote goes to Phil Jackson, who thought he could fit a bunch of round pegs into his triangular system. The latest debacle occurred on Wednesday night, when J.R. Smith launched a game-clinching brick as the Knicks fell to the hapless Magic. It's early, but Jackson's move to New York might have been a worse decision than letting a busload of bikini models ride away.

"You don't kill people you don't know. That's a rule."
My one-time buddy Mike Starr uttered this line as Joe Mentalino. We'll give this quote to the Cavs, who are still learning how to play with each other. It's way too early to draw any conclusions about the team, let alone gauge their title chances.

"I don't think he's gonna get that message."
Shay says this after Joe suggests sending Harry and Lloyd a little message by trashing the "I got worms"-themed house. So far, the NBA's sloppiest house is that of the Denver Nuggets. The 76ers and Lakers have worse records, but that was pretty predictable. The Nugs, on the other hand, have watched their preseason playoff hopes disintegrate quickly. Injuries and poor play have left them in worse shape than homeless Harry and Lloyd.

"We got no food. We got no jobs. Our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"
To Kobe Bryant, who must feel like screaming similar frustrated nonsense. The Steve Nash injury wasn't exactly a shocker, but Julius Randle breaking his leg in his first NBA game? Just horrible luck. In Tuesday's near-comeback against Memphis, the Lakers botched a possible two-for-one at the end of the game and Jordan Hill wound up taking -- and missing -- the deciding jumper.

I keep hearing that an NFL player might die on the field sometime in the near future, but I'd put my money on an NBA player perishing first. Because Kobe might murder a teammate on the court by the end of his club's 10-72 season.

"Big Gulps, huh? Welp, seeya later."
We've all been in a situation when we didn't know what to say next, but Jim Carrey perfected it in this scene. This quote aptly describes the Indiana Pacers, who are stuck in a really awkward spot. With Paul George out for the season, they should probably bottom out and try to collect a high draft pick. However, they've looked a little frisky in the past few games, and Frank Vogel is a good coach. They should trade David West and collect some future assets so they're not left in Lloyd-style limbo at the end of the season.

"Austria! Well, then. G'day, mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
Andrew Bogut, who's actually from Australia, has played well during Golden State's strong start. If the Warriors' defensive anchor can stay relatively healthy, the Dubs should finish in the top half of the Western Conference.

"So you're telling me there's a chance..."
Lloyd might as well have been speaking for Western Conference teams hoping to crash this season's playoff party. With the plague that's befallen the Thunder, the Suns, Pelicans, and Kings can dare to dream about snagging the eight-seed. And each of those teams definitely has a better shot than the one-in-a-million chance Mary gives Lloyd.

"Just when I thought you couldn't do anything dumber, you go and do something like this... And totally redeem yourself!"
One of the most memorable quotes of the movie goes to Gordon Hayward, who once hurled the most famous half-court miss in history. My favorite moment of this young season was Hayward's game-winning shot against the Cavs. It was as redemptive as any November play could be:

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