Thursday, June 5, 2014

How Sportstacular Are These Next Three Weeks?

In the hockey episode of The Simpsons, Marge tries to tell Lisa that sports is just a small part of life. At that point, Homer marches in chanting "Sports, sports, sports, sports..." Homer then informs his wife that Bart will be riding in the front seat of the car because he's a "good guy at sports."

What's that? You've never watched that scene? Well, here you go. Always remember that Uncle Fran loves you.

Anyways, Homer would love the next few weeks because they'll be full of -- you guessed it -- sports. Here's what I'm so excited for:

  • Stanley Cup Finals: When the Rangers went ahead 2-0 in the first period last night, I basically sexually molested my buddy Mike. That's right; unlike on the school bus, inappropriate touching is encouraged aboard the Rangers Bandwagon. Unfortunately the Blueshirts fell in overtime, but the teams appeared to be pretty evenly matched. Expect a long series. 
  • Belmont Stakes: When I walked into the bar last night, there was an envelope waiting for me. Apparently I won $200 in a Preakness pool. Who knew? On account of the Kings, I'm pretty anti-Cali this week, but I'll make an exception for California Chrome. 
  • World Cup Group Play: Last night, we agreed that if the Rangers and the U.S. both hoist their respective Cups, we'll all wear kegs on our heads for a week. The logistics of that plan are unclear, but I'm sure we'll figure it out. 
  • Yankees Baseball: Actually, I'm not too excited about this anymore. Even with Tanaka Tanaka-ing, the Yanks' middle-of-the road offense looks like it will keep them around .500 for the foreseeable future. Leaguewide, teams are scoring fewer runs than in any season since 1992. So take heart Yankees fans; at least nobody else can hit, either.
  • NBA Finals: Is it weird that I want Tim Duncan's Spurs to win so badly? I have no obvious reasons to root for them. I've never been to San Antonio. It's not like Duncan is starved for titles; he's got four in his career. I think Gregg Popovich is a borderline dick, albeit a funny one. I don't even hate LeBron that much anymore. So why am I so eager to watch the Spurs start chasing another championship tonight? Oh, yeah, that offense. And the fact that Duncan is still playing his consistent, beautiful brand of hoops at age 38. Oh, and as mentioned, Pop is really funny. Now I remember why I want the Spurs to win so badly.
So now that I've rehashed events you've already heard SportsCenter hype for the past 526 hours, I'll let you get back to your everyday life. Just know that as a sports fan, life won't ever get much better than it will be for the next three weeks. 

Sports, sports, sports, sports...

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