Monday, June 30, 2014

How Overdue Was My First Goonies Viewing?

Back in March, I wrote a post about evil adult villains in children's movies. I linked to the article on Facebook, and my buddy Dermot mentioned the Fratellis from The Goonies. At that point, I had to admit that I never saw the film. Since I was presenting myself as an expert in children's movies but hadn't seen one of the canonical works in that genre, Dermot responded as I knew he would. "You're dead to me, Fran," he wrote on my Facebook timeline.

In order to win back Dermot's friendship and correct a fundamental problem in my life, I rented The Goonies on Monday. Here, in descending order, are the top 10 moments of that solo viewing party:

10. "Heeey, you guuuuys!"
I've heard this phrase roughly 98,356 times, and now I get it. I'm thrilled to finally understand this not-so-inside joke.

9. Which Corey is that?
No matter how many times I Google "The Two Coreys," I can never keep them straight in my head. In The Goonies, we're privy to the passionate acting of Corey Feldman, he of the "My-father-stormed-the-beach-at-Normandy" fame.

8. '80s Technology
The Goonies came out just one year before I was born so I was excited by many of the obsolete devices featured in the movie. Off the top of my head, I recall bunny-eared TV antennae, retro Pepsi cans, and old-school arcade games. And, of course, the Fresh Prince-style boombox:

7. Getting to know the Fratellis
Just like in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, one of the main villains in The Goonies is named Francis, which also happens to be my name. If I were to include Francis and his mom and brother in the aforementioned post about adult villains, I'd now rank them at No. 7.5, right between Danny O'Shea (Little Giants) and Tony Perkis (Heavyweights).

6. These Grilled Turkey-and-Cheese Sandwiches

Halfway through the movie, I got hungry and grilled these babies up. If I had Instagram, I would post this photo there, just like everyone else. But since this blog is my main social medium, it goes here. #healthyeating

5. Data's "Booty" Traps
The gadget-obsessed Asian kid nicknamed "Data" edges out the Italian crime family as the best stereotype in the movie. Data gets bonus points for doubling as Short Round in the Indiana Jones series.

4. Sean Astin's "Our Time" Speech
Mikey does an admirable job rallying the Goonies to continue searching for One-Eyed Willy's treasure. His speech can't rival the best scenes from Rudy, but it's still pretty good.

3. Chunk's Truffle Shuffle

Chunk has to be one of the best fat-kid characters ever, right up there with Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks and Ham from The Sandlot. I was very impressed with his commitment to the fat-kid game.*

*The fat-kid game includes always having a candy bar with you and being able to smell ice cream through a closed door. 

2. Sloth saves the day
The ugly duckling of the Fratelli family comes through when it matters, saving the kids and allowing the preservation of the Goondocks. As a reward, he gets to continue his creepy relationship with Chunk.

1. Mouth en español
Probably the funniest part of the whole movie. Mouth volunteers to translate Spanish to the housekeeper and his performance is hilarious. He speaks to her about where to store drugs and the necessity of avoiding the sex torture devices in the attic. Classic Corey...wait, which Corey is it again?

So there you have it, my best piece of investigative journalism yet. Now that I've seen The Goonies, I hope Dermot can finally welcome me back as a friend.

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  1. Im proud of you buddy. I may or may not have shed a tear for you. just saying

    1. Thanks, Derm, for pushing me in the right direction. I'm glad I finally experienced The Goonies. It was a big moment in my life.

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