Thursday, May 8, 2014

How Did Rust Cohle Make Those Beer Can Men?

Kavanaugh and I are in the middle of a draft of our favorite fictional drinkers. One of us drafted Rust Cohle from True Detective and I started thinking back to Rust's beer can men. All of a sudden, I had a great idea: I'm going to build a beer can man of my own.

However, this being the Age of the Internet, someone already pursued that exact same idea. Aaron Goldfarb at Esquire wrote about this topic back in March. You know, back when people were still interested in reading about True Detective. Still, I really wanted a beer can man.

Here's what I was shooting for:

Photo via
For the last 15 minutes, here's what I've been up to:

Step 1: Secure Beer and Dangerous Instruments

Considering that I'm one of the clumsiest humans on Planet Earth, Step 1 made my apartment slightly less dangerous than the lair of the Yellow King. Only slightly.

Step 2: Cut off the Top and Bottom 

First, a quick apology to Rust. His main request for beer is that it be "nothing snooty." For a man who drinks Lone Star and Old Milwaukee, Bud Light is probably a bit too snooty.

Step 3: Make a Head

Uh oh. This dude's on pace to have a Dan Akroyd-level conehead.

Step 4: Curse Yourself for Cutting off Waaaaay Too Much Tin 

I'm like Kathy Bates in Misery at this point.

Step 5: Admire Your Creation, Dr. FranTenstein

Just horrible. It reminds me of Homer Simpson's attempt at art.

Step 6: Bury the Beer Can Man in a Mass Grave

Farewell, Beer Can Man. You went from an idea to a reality in less than a half-hour. (Notice the change from lower-case to upper-case letters.) The only way you could have been a better American is if I created you out of a Budweiser can.

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Follow FranT on Twitter at @frantweet and follow Brian Kavanaugh at @btkav

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