Wednesday, April 16, 2014

How Many Sips Do You Take?

Last weekend we had a heated discussion about how many sips it should take to finish a beer. One of our friends demonstrated how he drinks a bottle in four spread-out gulps, whereas most of us said that taking shorter, steadier sips is the proper strategy.

The argument was kind of like that old Tootsie Pop commercial*:

*When I watched this video, I immediately thought that the boy with the Tootsie Pop was voiced by the same person as Charlie Brown. I was wrong, but Paul Winchell did provide the voices for Pig-Pen -- who I wrote about recently -- and Tigger from "Winnie the Pooh". Winchell was an under-appreciated legend.

Just like the world may never know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know the ideal amount of sips required to finish a beer. It seems to me that there are four distinct methods of imbibing:

Frequent Long Sips -- The Bluto Blutarsky Method

If Mr. Owl drank beer, he'd definitely employ the Bluto Method and finish each drink in just "a-three" sips. This method requires almost-constant chugging and almost-certain puking.

Infrequent Long Sips -- The Norm Peterson Method

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This strategy allows you to guzzle your beer without getting too far ahead of your friends and seeming like a complete alky. The Norm Method allots about 20 minutes for four sips, so you rarely have to stop talking to drink. Also, notice how Norm never seems to get totally hammered, even though he has a panic attack when someone steals his barstool.

Frequent Short Sips -- The Homer Simpson Method

Homer sits at Moe's for a large chunk of every day. If he drank like Bluto, he'd be dead. Instead, Homer can take about 12 sips per beer and finish one every half-hour. Admittedly, there is some grey area between the Norm Method and the Homer Method.

Infrequent Short Sips -- The Audrey Hepburn Method

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Girls tend to treat beer like it's wine or a mixed drink, often causing them to drink slower. The Audrey Hepburn Method requires at least 20 sips and 40 minutes to consume just 12 ounces.

I plan on experimenting with each of these methods during the remainder of my spring break, and I'll let you know which works best. In the meantime, figure out which one you prefer.

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