Thursday, April 3, 2014

How Filthy Are These Dirts?

This post is dedicated to my Aunt Bernadette, who said I've been blogging too much about sports lately. She's also very fond of using the term dirt as a noun to define a dirty person. (See also: skells.) Here, then, are the best fictional dirts ever, broken down by division. Let's see how this goes.

Charles Schulz Division (for dirts who just love wallowing in their own filth)
1. Pig-Pen
(Photo via
Schulz created a true dirtbag in Pig-Pen. In It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, Pig-Pen dresses up as a ghost, but he's easily recognized because of the filth surrounding him. He once said, "I have affixed to me the dirt of countless ages. Who am I to disturb history?" Pig-Pen is the epitome of a dirt.

2. The Delta House Brothers
Bluto was pretty much the king of the dirts, spiking bottles, crushing cans, and pissing all over the place. Training a blacklight on the Delta House would be a horrifying experience.

3. Oscar the Grouch
The bastard lives in a garbage can.

4. The Tasmanian Devil
Taz is literally a dirt devil, just spinning through everything in his path. Almost like Nick Punto.

(GIF via
Charles Dickens Division (for characters whose poverty makes them dirts) 
1. Oliver Twist
My high school my buddy Terry's family had, um, more resources than mine. One day, he spotted the movie Oliver at my parents' house and stared at it quizzically for a few seconds. Then, he looked up and said, "Oliver...Huh...So...Poor people watch movies about other poor people?"

2. Bert
This dirt -- who may or may not have swept Mary Poppins' chimney back in the day -- is constantly covered in the soot of Industrial Revolution-era England.

3. Little Orphan Annie
To tell you the truth, I don't know how Daddy Warbucks ever let Annie in his house. Think about it: she's filthy, she's a ginger, and she's always hugging that mangy dog. Adopt her? No thanks.

4. Shawn Hunter
I've written about Shawn several times before, but this time I have an excuse to post a video of Samuel L. breaking down Boy Meets World:

Long live the Trailer Boy!

David Simon Division (for dirts who double as substance abusers)
1. Bubbles 
This crackhead from The Wire is one of the deepest characters on the show. He can never forgive himself for his nephew's death, but his real crime is the filthy bird's nest he calls hair.

2. Rust Cohle

Like everyone else, I was obsessed with True Detective a few weeks back. As an older guy, Rust is a skelly badass, boozing all day long and letting his stringy hair grow out. Even that thing that happens to him in the last episode can't keep him from cruising away in his pick-up.

3. Frank Gallagher
William H. Macy plays this dirt of a dad on Shameless. Frank's seemingly not above anything, fathering children who he won't care for in a bunch of different places. Would I want him as a dad? Probably not. Would I want him on my All-Dirt Team? Almost certainly.

4. Jesse Pinkman
Unlike Oliver or Annie, young Jesse doesn't have a built-in excuse to be a dirt. He comes from an upstanding family, but he can't help the fact that he just loves being impaired. Jesse was my favorite character on Breaking Bad, and he's the fourth strong member of the David Simon Division.*

*There really are no push-overs in this division.

Clint Eastwood Division (for characters with names that make them sound like dirts)
1. Dirty Harry
Harry Callahan is "dirty" in the sense that he crosses the boundaries of the law. Even though Clint remains dreamy throughout the films, though, the Dirty Harry name gets him on this list.

2. Muddy Waters
He was a real guy, but his absurdly fictitious name qualifies him for this list. Muddy's real name was McKinley Morganfield, which is already an awesome stage name. And speaking of awesome stage names...

3. The Nasty Boys
This wrestling tag team specialized in hardcore brawling, and they had a simple yet telling nickname. Oh, and the mullets.

4. Pig-Pen
We'll finish the same way we started. Pig-Pen's filthiness is matched by his name. And just like the Houston Astros, you never know which division Pig-Pen will represent at any given time.

So there you have our League of Dirts, which expanded rather quickly as soon as I began writing. How would these divisions fare in some sort of playoff tournament? Maybe that's a discussion for another day.

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