Wednesday, March 5, 2014

How Villainous Are These Adult Characters?

After exploring child characters and animated characters last week, today we're on Part 3 of our Villain Series*. Let's discuss the most evil adults in live-action children's movies. This is gonna be a good one.

*Well, do you have a better name for it?

Top 10 Villainous Adults in Kids' Movies

10. Hugo Snyder (3 Ninjas)
Snyder almost gets booted off this list because he puts his nephew Fester and a bunch of morons in charge of kidnapping Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum. Still, he definitely looks like a fearsome villain.

9. This Fatass (Rookie of the Year*):

(Photo via
I love that he's on the Mets. I love that he looks like a cross between John Kruk and Triple H. And I love that he strikes out on the "Float-it" pitch. (Classic downfall of a prideful villain.)

Various Internet sources confirm that this guy's name is Heddo.

*Quick aside: If you enjoyed Rookie of the Year, check out this Matt King post for 20 reasons it was an amazing movie.

8. Danny O'Shea (Little Giants)
Danny is a complete dick to his little brother. Thank goodness for that one time.

7. Tony Perkis (Heavyweights)
Ben Stiller got a lot more publicity for Zoolander and Meet the Parents, but my two favorite Stiller roles were Tony Perkis and the savage nursing home director in Happy Gilmore*.

*I remember watching the Happy Gilmore "Warm Glass of Shut the Hell Up" scene about 25 straight times one night when I was 12 years old. I still crack up when I think about it.

Perkis was educated by private tutors his whole life, and that shows as he abuses the boys throughout fat camp. The only reason Perkis loses points is because he's the exact same character as White Goodman in Dodgeball.

6. The Beast (The Sandlot)
I'm kind of cheating on this one, but The Beast is over 20 years old, at least according to Squints. That would make him about 140 in people years. I guess his advanced age explains his huge dong. (Don't act like you've never noticed it.)

5. Dr. Herman Varnick (Beethoven)

(Photo via
This guy scared the dog poop out of me when I was a kid.

Dr. Varnick is diabolical in posing as a veterinarian and tricking the Newtons into believing Beethoven attacked him. His sheer heartlessness is the only thing that keeps the dad of the Newton family off this list.

4. Captain Hook (Hook)
Hook has the rare distinction of making both the live-action and animated villain lists. Dustin Hoffman crushed this role almost as much as the Lost Boys crushed Hook.

3. Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Originally named Oroku Saki*, Shredder wronged Splinter's master Yoshi back in the day. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that was a bad move. Even Shredder's brainwashed Foot Clan is no match for the Turtles. And just like most of the other dudes on this list, Shredder meets a deservedly rough fate.

*Umm, yeah, I had to look up the spelling.

2. Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson (D2: The Mighty Ducks)
"The Dentist" is completely ruthless, as we see when he slashes Gordon Bombay's bad knee in a one-on-one game.

Like Gunnar Stahl, Wolf redeems himself a bit at the end of the movie.  I swear, Disney only did that so a generation of American kids wouldn't hate all Icelanders. (It didn't work, Disney.)

1. Harry and Marv (Home Alone, Home Alone 2)
I was recently watching Home Alone on AMC, which had "Story Notes" running across the bottom of the screen. According to the scroll, Joe Pesci said that after the movie came out, hundreds of little kids gave him their addresses so that he could rob their houses.

Pesci's Harry is basically a kid-friendly version of Tommy from Goodfellas, and Daniel Stern's moronic Marv complements him perfectly. The Wet/Sticky Bandits can't successfully rob the McAllister house, but they've definitely reached the top of this list.

Check back for the final installment of our Villain Series in a few days. As always, thanks for reading!

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1 comment:

  1. If you have the wolf in there then i think its only fair to include coach o'riley, and the varsity captain.