Wednesday, February 5, 2014

How Would Fictional Cars Perform in Real Life?

I was shoveling out my wife's Hyundai this afternoon after some Neanderthal blew all the snow from his driveway on top of it. Apparently, in the face of extreme weather, New Yorkers become the obnoxious stereotype everyone else has of us. As I was shoveling blocks of ice that global warming theorists say are now non-existent, I longed to own a Canyonero instead of the small Hyundai. For those of you that don't know, the Canyonero is an SUV endorsed by Krusty the Klown on The Simpsons.

The Canyonero is "12 yards long and two lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride," and it would have absolutely demolished New York City's weather the last few weeks.

So what other fictional cars would I like to see in real-life scenarios? Glad you asked!

Fighting Crime: The Batmobile

I guess KITT, the high-tech car in Knight Rider, would have worked in this situation, too. But that show was before my time, so the Batmobile is pretty much the only choice. The real competition here is between the Christian Bale's new-age Batmobile and Michael Keaton's sleeker edition. I'm taking Keaton's, because his Batman ignited my fascination with the superhero.

Getting Some Exercise: The Flintstone Car

My uncle Pat has a joke he tells whenever he meets a stupid person. He always says, "That guy's really excited about the invention of the wheel." Well, I'm sure Fred, Barney, and their neighbors really were excited about the invention of the wheel. Sure, their car was just a glorified Razon Scooter, but it was still better than walking everywhere.

Grooming Pets: The '84 Sheepdog

The Sheepdog probably wouldn't be great for primping show dogs, because there's a lot of room in the back for them to spill ketchup and mustard and other condiments on themselves. Just a hunch.

Picking up Chicks: Any James Bond Car

It would also make it easier to impress girls if you were actually James Bond, but owning Bond's Aston Martin or BMW wouldn't be a bad start.

Traveling through Time: The DeLorean

Time travel might not be a real-life scenario, but this one was still easier than most Bond girls. It was also an excuse to link to a pair of time-travel posts I really enjoyed writing. (Click here for Part 1 and here for Part 2.)

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Follow FranT on Twitter at @frantweet and follow Brian Kavanaugh at @itllBohhK52.

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