Monday, February 24, 2014

How Villainous Are These Child Characters?

You know those random days when it seems like there's an inordinate amount of great TV? Well, Saturday was one of those days. First, the USA-Finland bronze-medal game (funeral) aired in the morning. Then, my two favorite college basketball teams -- St. John's and Notre Dame -- played in the afternoon. At the same time, Scarface and an Indiana Jones marathon showed. And, of course, there was the movie I ended up watching for more time than the others -- D2: The Mighty Ducks.

The second installment of The Mighty Ducks series reminds us of several universal truths:
1. The triple deke is the most important move in hockey.
2. All Texans are cowboys.
3. All fat kids play goalie.
4. All Nordic people are evil.

That last one got my buddy Jimmy and me talking. Is there a more villainous child character than Gunnar Stahl? We both agreed that there is not. With Gunnar leading the way, here's our top 10:

Top 10 Child Villains

1. Gunnar Stahl (D2: The Mighty Ducks)
Gunner is the embodiment of the evil machine that is the Iceland youth hockey program. If you identify with his nefarious personality and sublime hockey skills, you can purchase his jersey on ebay. You can also deport yourself right now.

Like many of the characters on this list, Gunner eventually redeems himself ("You lost it for yourself... Let's go shake their hands... Good work, Captain Duck!"). But until the last few minutes of the movie, he's Satan on skates.

2. Spike (Little Giants)
When we first meet him, Spike carries a refrigerator out of a moving truck. He's a one-man wrecking crew on the field, but he's an obnoxious misogynist:


3. This Douche (The Sandlot*):
(Photo via wohlworld.wordpress.com)













There's nothing worse than a rich kid on a fancy bike, with the exception of a rich kid on a fancy bike who plays ball like a girl.

*Wouldn't you know it? On Saturday, The Sandlot came on ABC Family right after D2 ended!

4. Buzz McCallister (Home Alone)
Buzz is the worst older brother you could ask for. He's ugly, mean, calls his brother a "trout-sniffer," and won't let anyone into his awesome room. I'm pretty sure Buzz ended up directing snuff films.

5. Junior (Problem Child)
The kid is pen pals with a freaking serial killer. I would have shipped his ass back to the orphanage so fast it would make your head spin.

6. Rufio (First Half of Hook)
Rufio is an a-hole to Peter at the start of Hook. Still, he can't be that bad if The Lost Boys worship him so much.


7. Adam Banks (First half of The Mighty Ducks)
In the beginning of the movie, "Cake Eater" is a lot like the doucher from The Sandlot. He just seems like a spoiled rich kid who's good at hockey. Thank goodness he turns out to be a spoiled rich kid who's good at hockey who plays for the Ducks.

8. Tokka and Rahzar (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze)

(Photo via poeghostal.com)
These two have the intelligence of human infants, but the ooze makes them strong enough to take on the Turtles. Their ridiculous appearance makes them appear less evil than silly, though.

9. The Knights (The Big Green)
The Knights run the score up more than Barry Switzer. In their first game against the Big Green, they win 18-0.

10. Sid Phillips (Toy Story)

(Photo via pixar.wikia.com)
I couldn't decide whether Sid belongs on this list or my list of animated villains later in the week. I'll put him here because he's the epitome of an evil child.


Check back later in the week for posts on the most villainous animated characters and the most villainous adults in live-action children's movies.


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