Wednesday, February 12, 2014

How Tremendous Is the Name Bruce?

Last night I was watching Braveheart (the top pick in our Movie Draft), and I went to bed right after Robert the Bruce betrayed William. As I lay in bed, I started thinking about all of the memorable guys named Bruce. Here are my favorites:

The Best Bruces Ever

No. 131,235: Robert the Bruce's Leprous Father
When I was in college, there was a dining hall worker that we called "The Guy with the F---ed-Up Face." I suppose it was a pretty mean nickname. Anyways, the point is that Robert the Elder in Braveheart has a way more f---ed-up face than "The Guy with the F---ed-Up Face." Also, he's a complete prick who betrays his country and his country's greatest hero.

No. 10: Jay Bruce
Bruce has turned into a consistent 30 homer-100 RBI guy for the Reds, and they have him signed through 2016. His parents should have named him Bruce Bruce, though.

No. 9: Bruce from Matilda

There's something that's much better about chanting "Go, Bruce!" than "Go, Fran!" or "Go, Brian!"

No. 8: Bruce Jenner
Mr. Kardashian was one of America's most famous athletes, so of course he turned into a spotlight-crazed lunatic. If he becomes a woman, can he at least keep the same first name?

No. 7: Bruce Buffer
He's the less famous of the Buffer Brothers, but at least he's got a better name than Michael.

No. 6: Robert the Bruce
He wants to do the right thing for Scotland, but he also wants to please "The Dad with the F---ed-Up Face." He's the epitome of a conflicted character.

No. 5: Bruce Sutter
Sutter was one of the first pitchers to master the split-fingered fastball, and he rode that pitch all the way to the Hall of Fame. Robert the Bruce never even visited Cooperstown.

No. 4: Bruce Smith
Smith racked up 200 sacks in his NFL career, but the next guy on the list could probably whoop his ass.

No. 3: Bruce Lee
One of the biggest badasses ever, Lee was the trailblazer for guys like Jackie Chan and Jet Li.

There was actually a Family Matters plot in which Steve Urkel* repeatedly turned into Bruce Lee to fight bullies.

*We watched The Wolf of Wall Street the other day, and there's a scene in which DiCaprio and Jonah Hill get high and watch Family Matters. Steve Urkel really was a huge part of the '90s

No. 2: Bruce Willis
Willis starred in movies like Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, Armageddon, and The Sixth Sense, so there's only one Bruce who can top him.

No. 1: Bruce Springsteen


Nowadays, every somewhat-good player with a name that contains an "-oo" sound elicits crowd chants like "Yooouk!" (Kevin Youkilis) and "Zuuuc!" (Mats Zuccarello). Still, nobody can make an arena shake like The Boss. Say it with me: BRUUUUUUUUCE!!!!!!

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