Monday, January 27, 2014

How Poor Are These Fictional Women?

Earlier in the week, I posted about the best poor male chracters and the fact that women swoon over them. Today, let's look at the best fictional members of the fairer sex.

Top 10 Poor Female Characters

As in the previous post, we'll go in ascending order. (This time, you'll see why at the end of the post.)

1. Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games)
Katniss is such a badass that I bought my little cousin a bow-and-arrow for Christmas. Just kidding -- I bought him a bow-and-arrow so that he could shoot squirrels in the Bronx.

2. Cinderella (Cinderella)
What a great role model for poor girls. If you want to pull your way out of poverty, rely on a magical fairy godmother and the beneficence of a rich guy. It's the only way.

3. Little Orphan Annie (Annie)
Annie's a funny little ginger, isn't she? She constantly escapes from the orphanage, and she has a friend named Pepper and dog named Sandy. She's eventually rescued by Daddy Warbucks, who might make an appearance in a post later this week. Despite her good fortune, though, Annie would still be buddies with the next character...

4. Scout Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird)
Scout's six and here's what she has to say: "I think there's just one kind of folks. Folks."

She's a tomboy, intelligent beyond her years, living through the Depression, calling her dad by his first name, and beating up boys. Scout's one girl I would have been proud to call my friend. The only reason she's not higher on the list is because she isn't as broke as the characters above her.

5. Esmeralda (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Hot, but a gypsy nonetheless.
Esmeralda is pretty and compassionate, and she knows magic. Magic is cool. So what if she's a gypsy.*

*Quick story: My buddy Matt and I met a bunch of hilarious drunk guys at the bar a few weeks ago, and one of them kept calling his friends "gypsies." I don't think there's a more underrated insult going than "gypsy." Feel free to use it on your gypsy friends.

And hey, if Quasimodo had a chance with Esmeralda, Cartoon FranT might too.

6. Vivian Ward (Pretty Woman)
She only made the list because Kerry would kill me if I didn't include her. Personally, I think Julia Roberts loves herself a little too much...

7. Deandra "Dee" Reynolds (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
The male members of the Gang came in at this spot in my earlier post, so this seems symmetrical. Sweet Dee is the woman on this list with whom I'd most want to share a beer.

8. Eliza Doolittle (Pygmalion)
This play was the pre-cursor to My Fair Lady and She's All That.* A rich man takes a bet that he can turn a broke flower merchant into a proper English lady, and she ends up saying something about "the rain in Spain."

*What's our boy Freddie Prinze, Jr. up to now, anyways?

9. Pigeon Lady (Home Alone 2)
I was going to look up her real name, but that would have been a waste of time since I'm sure Pigeon Lady is her real name. I'll let KFC from Barstool explain why Pigeon Lady made the list:

"Pigeon Lady is a homeless derelict. She feeds pigeons on the street. It's people like her why those winged rats pollute this city. Her husband fell out of love with her because she probably was addicted to crystal at some point or something. Obviously can't hold down a good job. I guarantee if she walked up to you, you would JET in the other direction while telling her you don't have any spare change. Get off your high horse – we're talking about a homeless bum. She should go become a foster mother for a kid who wants the California Angels to win the pennant.

PS – Old Man Marley and Pigeon Lady would make the biggest Asshole Power Couple of all time."

10. Brandine Spuckler (The Simpsons)
She's not as well-known as her husband/brother Cletus (the slack-jawed yokel), but Brandine has 39 children. Pretty impressive.

178. Adrian Pennino (Rocky)
Adrian's full name, Adrianna Pennino, is mentioned in Rocky II. It should have been "Adrianna Penni-NO, STOP RUINING ROCKY." Adrian was such a wet blanket that the dampness basically soaked through the screen. The best part of Rocky Balboa was the fact that Adrian had died after Rocky V.

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