Wednesday, January 29, 2014

How Much Do Women Love These Non-Poor Characters?

After FranT’s list of non-rich characters and the women who love them, there were two logical next steps. FranT took one with the non-rich female characters. Here I’m taking the other: non-poor male characters, and the women who love are around them.

Compiling a list of some of the richest dudes in movies and TV turns up some shady characters, some immoral egomaniacs, and some straight up weird and ugly guys. Here and there you find a good soul. Overall the romantic history of this bunch is pretty checkered. They seem for the most part to be okay at attracting the women. For many of them, though, it just get’s considerably more complicated as they enter into long-term relationships. Mo Money, Mo Problems.

1. Jordan Belfort - The Wolf of Wall Street
Had a nice wife but couldn’t resist temptation when it was presented in the form of Margot Robbie. But he couldn’t even stop there, regularly indulging in...extra curricular activity even once he was married to “The Duchess of Bay Ridge”.

2. Gordon Gekko - Wall Street
Basically the fictional version of Belfort, not only in his greed, but in his romantic history. Had a nice wife but couldn’t not enjoy the spoils of money and power, taking on Darryl Hannah as a mistress. I guess if a guy is willing to partake in so much unethical and illegal activity, why should we expect any different when it comes to marital fidelity? SMDH.

3. Jay Gatsby and Tom Buchanan - The Great Gatsby
They both vie for Daisy’s affection, and both earn it in turns but never have it completely. Based on FranT’s finding of the non-rich, maybe these guys should’ve been relinquishing their earthly possessions instead of trying to out-duel each other.

4. Walter White -  Breaking Bad
As a working class man he couldn’t charm his way out of a paper bag, and earning great wealth in the meth business didn’t help matters much as he alienated Skyler into adultery and depression. I should note that I haven’t seen the last 8 episodes, so for all I know Heisenberg becomes a regular Casanova...but somehow I doubt that.

5. Richie Rich - Richie Rich

This is a hard one to gauge based on Richie Rich’s age, and the fact that I probably haven’t seen the movie in 15 years. Wikipedia tells me there was a Gloria in the picture? Seeing how desperate he was for friends, though, there’s a good chance that Richie friended his way straight into the friend zone with most girls.

6. Longfellow Deeds - Mr. Deeds.
Deeds found love and was able to not mess it up (eventually) with Wynona Ryder’s Babe Bennett. Maybe that’s because he became accustomed to adult life as a non-rich, and his fortune was inherited and unexpected?

7. Bruce Wayne - Batman
There’s an entire blog post to be written here. Hot Poison Ivy is always lurking around. Rhas Al Gul’s daughter is seducing him as Miranda Tate while ultimately planning on killing him. And then there’s Rachel Dawes, who thru 2 movies Bruce thinks is his true love but the whole “being a super hero” thing throws a giant wrench in that plan, as Rachel can’t be with Bruce as long as Batman exists. Pretty needy, if you ask me. Anyway, Bruce actually comes out on top here at the end, settling down with Anne Hathaway’s Selina Kyle (cat woman but never actually referred to as cat woman) at the very end with that awesome knowing glance to Alfred in Italy.

8. C. Montgomery Burns - The Simpsons
I defer to FranT on all things Simpsons, but we all know what the guy looks like and how he acts - yikes.

9. Tony Stark - Iron Man
Iron Man does alright with the ladies. He is also a billionaire super hero with an eponymous company (Wayne Enterprises/ Stark Industries). But he avoids all the complications that Bruce Wayne falls into. Tony gives what’s left of his heart to Pepper Potts, and it’s all pretty sweet and uninteresting.

10. Jabba the Hut -  Star Wars
I Did not think of this blob until I found this awesome Forbes Fictional 15 list, which basically attempts to do the same thing we’re doing with these lists, but thoroughly. Jabba had his chance with Princess Leia when he held her captive against her will but ultimately blew it.

11. Scrooge McDuck
I cannot find any evidence of Scrooge McDuck’s romantic involvement or children to suggest a marriage. On the one hand, his ill-temper probably means he couldn’t keep ladies around. On the other hand, considering that he lived in turn of the century Scotland and America, his money alone would’ve made him an attractive option.

It's also worth noting that longtime friend of How Blank Gerg plans on naming his children after Scrooge's grand-nephews: Huey, Duey, and Louie.


Rachel Phelps - Major League

Not exactly a non-poor guy but she’s non-poor all the same. She had a husband, until he died and she inherited his team. Chances are a former showgirl who happens to own a Major League Baseball team shouldn’t have any trouble luring in guys of all shapes and sizes, though.

What did we learn? If you’re a cheater in the business world, you’ll be a cheater in your romantic life? If you’re a billionaire playboy business owner who moonlights as a superhero, you ultimately will find love? Maybe. I think this list proves to some degree, though, that money can’t buy love.

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