Friday, January 3, 2014

How Many New Year's Resolutions Just Died?

Kerry and I were discussing the impending Herculean* storm yesterday, and she mentioned that it would cause many people to abandon their New Year's Resolutions.

*I feel like Hercules is such a bad-ass name for a storm. Even though it dumped a lot of snow, it wasn't that bad. I propose that Storms Sandy and Hercules should swap names in the history books.

After quickly examining my actions today, it turns out that Kerry was absolutely correct. If a person was foolish enough to create a typical New Year's Resolution last week, Hercules probably just butchered it.

I woke up this morning to discover that work had been canceled, a bad omen for any "I'll be more productive at work" resolution. Even for those people that had work, the commute was probably the most draining part of the day. The majority of them probably arrived at the office, sipped coffee, and surfed the Internet for a couple hours. You know, just like the rest of us who didn't work.

Meanwhile, the classic "I'll exercise more" resolution had even less chance of succeeding. At around noon, I decided to go for a jog. I lasted about 100 steps before my lungs objected and I turned back.

"Okay," you say. "Well, at least people won't be eating or drinking as much as they did last week. That resolution could last." I beg to differ, though. Have you seen those news stories of the bare grocery stores today? What are the people who bought all that food going to do the next couple days? In addition to gorging on Pop Tarts and frozen pizza, they'll probably drink a lot, too.

So unless you're a cross between Homer Simpson and Ron Swanson (Ronmer Swimpson!), and your New Year's Resolution is to eat and drink more, exercise less, and be less productive at work, Hercules will leave you feeling pretty crappy. On the bright side, you'll be feeling exactly like you felt three days ago.  

Except now you know about Ronmer Swimpson:


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