Tuesday, October 22, 2013

How Many Fictional Bars Would You Frequent?

In last week's post about Skelly Barney Gumble, I mentioned that one of my friends posed the question, "Would you rather get drunk at Moe's Tavern or The Drunken Clam?"

I'm taking the question one step further and examining the 10 fictional bars at which I'd be most eager to hoist a few.

Top 10 Fictional Bars

10. Paddy's Pub (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
With the Gang at the helm, Paddy's is a true skell-hole. At various points, it has been converted to a gay bar and an underage bar, but it always reverts back to a place for the Gang to hatch schemes. You'd probably pee your pants laughing at Paddy's, but the bar can't move higher on the list because Charlie burns trash in the furnace, giving the whole place a smoky trash-like smell.

9. The Avalanche Bar and Grill (Dumb and Dumber)
I love Colorado and many bars there, but I wouldn't want to be called "a raging alcoholic" by Lloyd Christmas if I went to the Avalanche at 10 in the morning. We only get to see this bar for a couple minutes in the movie, but it gives us one of the great fictional bar lines in history:


"WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON!...That's great!"

Speaking of Dumb and Dumber...

8. Gaston's (Beauty and the Beast)
...The French are assholes.

And Gaston is one of the biggest cartoon assholes ever. He somehow didn't make my list of top Disney songs or Kavanaugh's list, but the man sure can sing.


Despite having to hang out with French dudes all night, I wouldn't mind pulling a barstool close to the fireplace at Gaston's on a cold winter night.

7. Double Deuce (Road House
Noone fights like Gaston...with the definite exception of Patrick Swayze's Dalton, a bouncer no drunk would ever want to come across.


6. Dino's Bar and Grill ("The Boys Are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy)
"Friday night they'll be dressed to kill
Down at Dino's Bar & Grill
The drink will flow and blood will spill
And if the boys wanna fight, you'd better let 'em

The Jukebox in the corner blasting out my favorite song
The nights are gettin' warmer it wont be long
Wont be long till summer till summer comes
Now that the boys are here again."

This song was a summertime anthem for my buddies and me. Who doesn't have a nostalgic bar that Dino's reminds them of?

5. Bar from Top Gun (Top Gun)
This is the bar that caused thousands of drunken losers to sing "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" to girls that were out of their league.* How cool would it be to hit on chicks with Maverick and Goose? Talk about giving new meaning to the word wingman!

*Yup, I've been one of those drunken losers.

4. The Drunken Clam (Family Guy)
I'd love hanging out with Peter the Drunk, Joe the Cripple, Cleveland the Slow-talker, and Quagmire the Perv. What I wouldn't love is the soundtrack of Red Sox and Patriots games that fills the Clam.

3. The Tabard (The Canterbury Tales)
The inn from Geoffrey Chaucer's collection of tales is the precursor to all the other watering holes on this list. The Tabard is the site of a contest between a bunch of travelers trying to tell the best story. Some of my favorite skells from the book are The Wife of Bath -- the Middle English answer to Jenna Jameson -- and the Miller, a drunk who rips the doors off the hinges of The Tabard.

2. Moe's Tavern (The Simpsons)
America's favorite dive bar has a legendary crew of barflies. There's Barney Gumble of course, but also Carl Carlson, Lenny Leonard, and Homer Simpson. Moe's is extremely versatile, having doubled as a gay bar (Mo's), a family joint (Uncle Moe's Family Feed-Bag), an English pub (The Nag and Weasel), a Japanese place (Tokyo Roe's Sushi Bar), a trendy college hangout (M), and a speakeasy (Moe's Pet Shop).

Moe's Tavern has also inspired some of the most-imitated prank phone calls ever.


But even the hijinks at Moe's can't stand up to the all-around good time offered by our champion...

1. Cheers (Cheers)
Well, where else than the place where everybody knows your name?

I know I docked The Drunken Clam some points for being based in New England, but the fictional Cheers is the ideal bar. It's got great regulars -- highlighted by Norm* -- and a staff of overqualified bartenders and servers like Sam Malone.

*Bonus points for Cheers: George Wendt, who played Norm, failed out of Notre Dame his junior year with a Bluto Blutarski-like 0.0 GPA.

Now, everybody sing it with me:



Honorable Mention
Cocktails and Dreams (Cocktail)
Didn't make the cut because the Aussie killed himself before the bar even opened.

Dexter Lake Club (Animal House)
Because as much as I'd like to see Otis Day and the Knights play live, I don't think white guys like me are welcome at this bar.


The Gold Room at the Overlook Hotel (The Shining)
Because of all the obvious reasons. Oh, and because Lloyd the Bartender is weird as shit.

Yeah, I think I'd rather order from Sam Malone. Thanks, though.

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