Tuesday, July 2, 2013

How Much Would I Bathe If...?

Skell Alert: During high school, I once went 24 consecutive days without showering during the summer. Not a lie or a misprint. Twenty-four days. Sure, I went swimming and jogged in the rain a few times, but there were no showers or baths. But that's because it was summertime, a time to relax. Some would ask, "Aren't you embarrassed to tell people that?" Obviously, I would tell those idiots that of course I'm not embarrassed; I just posted the story on the Internet five seconds ago.

As proud as I am of it, though, the 24-day streak (I got almost halfway to DiMaggio!) would not have happened if I had owned one of these:

That's right, it's a hammock bathtub. This invention combines the lazy lifestyle of hippies with the hygienic lifestyle of everyone but hippies. Beautiful. Also, no wonder terrorists are jealous of us.

The hammock bathtub got me thinking of some of the healthy activities that I don't do enough, as well as what would make me do them more frequently.

I would bathe more if...
--I had a hammock bathtub.
--I didn't have to wake up early to shower before work.
--I could bathe in money like Scrooge McDuck.

I would work more if...
--On his deathbed, any man said, "I wish I had worked more."
--I didn't have summers off. (Sorry, I had to.)

I would think more highly of others if...
--These people...

...hadn't treated Michael Jackson's funeral like it was Mother Teresa's funeral.

I would eat more salad if...
--I were a rabbit.
(Go to 1:04 mark of clip.)

I would go outside if...
--It wasn't raining right now.
--I hadn't been busy writing this moronic blogpost that, hopefully, somebody somewhere enjoyed.

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