Tuesday, July 23, 2013

How Much of a Pile of Crap is Charlie Weis?

On Monday, Kansas football coach Charlie Weis made news when he called his team a "pile of crap." Since Weis decided to insult the 1-11 squad that he presided over last season, I felt like it would be appropriate to run an article insulting Weis. I originally wrote this for an April Fool's Day issue of Notre Dame's school paper, when Weis coached the Irish and I was an undergraduate at the university.

Weis participates in innovative mating program

Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis is participating in a new program to keep the rare Florida Manatee off the endangered species list. The program, which is sponsored by the World Wildlife Fund (WWF), requires Weis to breed with a female manatee once every year in order to help the species maintain a viable population.

"We knew his body-type would be ideal for the program," WWF President and CEO Carter Roberts said. "And strangely enough, we have found some manatee genes inside him."

Roberts said that although it seems strange, human beings often possess minimal strands of DNA from other species of mammal. Other Notre Dame coaches that have participated in similar programs include George O'Leary, who aided the survival of the King Rat, and Tyrone Willingham, who bred successfully with the little-known Sitting Duck.

The WWF first contacted Weis after he injured his knee during Notre Dame's 35-17 win over Michigan last season. In that game, one of the coach's own players collided with Weis on the sideline.

"We were watching the game and when he fell to the turf, I couldn't imagine any human looking more like a manatee," Roberts said. "We called up Coach Weis and he's been nothing but helpful. Plus, I think he enjoys the regular breeding schedule."

Weis said his work for the WWF is part of a larger effort by Notre Dame to address environmental issues.
"We participated in Earth Hour last year and this is just my way of helping out," Weis said. "Plus, I enjoy the regular breeding schedule."

With Weis' help, the WWF has managed to keep the population of the Florida Manatee stable at around 1,300 individuals.

"Coach Weis has been an ideal manatee substitute and has produced several attractive pups," Roberts said.
Weis, for his part, expressed his gratitude to the WWF for their humane treatment of him during breeding cycles. The manatee-coach has also said he hopes to continue to produce offspring.

"I only regret that I have limited sperm to donate for my environment," Weis said.


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