Tuesday, July 30, 2013

How Would These TV Characters Interact?

Kavanaugh wrote an entertaining post about hypothetical interactions among characters from Seinfeld and The Office the other day. At the end he said, "This is a list that in theory could go on for awhile so I'd love to hear some more and eventually we can get a Part 2 going." Despite his clear disdain for the use of commas, I decided to take him up on the idea for a Part 2.

Friday, July 26, 2013

How Would The Office & Seinfeld Characters Interact?

A favorite pastime of mine, on this blog or not, is searching for obscure tv show clips. It’s often related to this blog’s two favorite shows: Seinfeld and The Office, and one such search led me down an internet rabbit hole to a page that suggested what if the worlds of Seinfeld and Friends overlapped? I decided to skip right over that thought and sub in the Office for Friends, and thus: How Would The Office & Seinfeld characters interact?


Thursday, July 25, 2013

How am I Not a Fighter Pilot Yet?

AOL -- ...The U.S. Air Force is experiencing such a dire shortage that it's guaranteeing a $225,000 signing bonus -- $25,000 a year for nine years.

The Air Force says it is down 200 fighter pilots this year. On top of that, just 65 percent of the pilots are staying on the job past 11 years, which is a 15 percent drop off from 1993, according to the
Air Force Times. As a result, the Air Force projects that it could be short some 700 pilots by 2021. Such a shortfall represents roughly one quarter of the total 3,000 flyer pilots in the Air Force.

AOL ran this story about fighter pilots today, and I had so many questions as I read it. Only 200 pilots a year? Just 700 pilots by 2021? How many Wendy's Baconators could I buy with $225,000? Wait, there's an Air Force Times?

Just an overload of questions, and the most important was, How am I not a fighter pilot yet?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

How Much of a Pile of Crap is Charlie Weis?

On Monday, Kansas football coach Charlie Weis made news when he called his team a "pile of crap." Since Weis decided to insult the 1-11 squad that he presided over last season, I felt like it would be appropriate to run an article insulting Weis. I originally wrote this for an April Fool's Day issue of Notre Dame's school paper, when Weis coached the Irish and I was an undergraduate at the university.

How Typecast is Jeff Daniels?

I started Season 1 of The Newsroom last night and thoroughly enjoyed it, despite the negative reviews of many critics. Still, I couldn't get over the fact that Jeff Daniels plays Will McAvoy, a crotchety but genius news anchor.

To me, Jeff Daniels is Harry Dunne from Dumb and Dumber. How could he possibly play an intelligent character like McAvoy?

Daniels is not typecast in the way we usually understand the term, because he has played a variety of roles. Just two years after Dumb and Dumber, he portrayed the lovable father in Fly Away Home. Still, Daniels is typecast in my mind. None of his other roles will ever be as memorable as Harry. I named my golden retriever Harry, for godsakes.

At one point in the second episode of The Newsroom, Daniels speaks to a female character and lights a cigarette. For a second, I thought the scene would surely play out like this:


Maybe it's because I've seen Dumb and Dumber roughly 879 times, but I would watch The Newsroom much differently if Will McAvoy were played by a different actor.

I think that Daniels is thoroughly entertaining on The Newsroom, and I plan to keep watching. I just don't see how I'll ever watch the show without thinking of Daniels in a top hat and a baby blue tuxedo.

How Many Phonies are on TV?

Most sports fans know by now that Johnny Manziel missed the Manning Passing Academy because his "phone died," leading me to compare him to The Hungover Guy from the typical wedding party. Needless to say, nobody believed Johnny Football. In light of his bogus excuse, I immediately thought of Jerry Seinfeld, who frequently uses the word phony. I also realized that TV shows are full of phonies. Here is a list of the phoniest aspects of some of How Blank's favorite shows:

Friday, July 19, 2013

How Awesome is the Shower Bug?

I did my best Frank the Tank impression today and accompanied the new ball-and-chain to Bed Bath & Beyond.


On the bright side, though, she allowed me to purchase our new home's transcendent decoration: The Shower Bug!


Yup, a bug-shaped shower radio, for all our bathing soundtrack needs. If that's not American*, I don't know what is.

*By "American," I really mean that The Shower Bug was made in a Chinese sweatshop.

So, to recap: I went out in the 100-degree heat and spent $500 at Bed Bath & Beyond, but at least I got a Shower Bug out of the trip. Talk about a moral victory.

Seriously, though, the Yonkers Bed Bath & Beyond trails only Guantanamo Bay for the title of Worst Place on Planet Earth.


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

How Did the Wedding Play Out? The Soundtrack

So as FranT mentioned, this past weekend we enjoyed the most significant event in the young life of this blog: FranT got hiTched.

In case you missed it or are just looking to re-live it, I'm going to paint the picture for you of what the #TolanWedding was like. Now you could hear a story from someone who was there, look at the hundreds of pictures that will surface, or listen to some of the songs played by DJ Rich George, but in order to help you really feel like you were there, I'm going to tell the story in one of this blog's favorite mediums: random YouTube videos and clips.

How Do Celebrities Reflect the Typical Wedding Party?

I realize that I've been a bit like Shooter McGavin the past week:


I didn't get a chance to blog. I was too busy MARRYING.

Yup, I picked up a ball-and-chain this weekend, and I'm thrilled about it. The wedding was awesome and I have a beautiful new wife. Even though my uncle texted me three days before the wedding to say "There's still time to get out of it" and "I know you can hear me," I'm not quite sure what he meant...

We had an awesome wedding party, and I've been thinking about how some sterotypical wedding party members could be compared to various characters from sports, movies, and TV. This list will be sort of similar to Kavanaugh's comparison of the NCAA tournament to guys at a bachelor party.

Bride -- Dennis Rodman
The dress, the veil, and all the other cliches that go along with a typical bride -- Dennis took them all to a whole 'nother level.

My bride wasn't quite as ravishing as the Worm.
Groom -- David Beckham
I wore sunglasses for most of my wedding day, but that's basically the only difference between Becks and me.

And now onto the other members of the wedding party...

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

How Much Would I Bathe If...?

Skell Alert: During high school, I once went 24 consecutive days without showering during the summer. Not a lie or a misprint. Twenty-four days. Sure, I went swimming and jogged in the rain a few times, but there were no showers or baths. But that's because it was summertime, a time to relax. Some would ask, "Aren't you embarrassed to tell people that?" Obviously, I would tell those idiots that of course I'm not embarrassed; I just posted the story on the Internet five seconds ago.

As proud as I am of it, though, the 24-day streak (I got almost halfway to DiMaggio!) would not have happened if I had owned one of these:


That's right, it's a hammock bathtub. This invention combines the lazy lifestyle of hippies with the hygienic lifestyle of everyone but hippies. Beautiful. Also, no wonder terrorists are jealous of us.

The hammock bathtub got me thinking of some of the healthy activities that I don't do enough, as well as what would make me do them more frequently.

How are the Yankees Like Quint from Jaws?

In honor of the upcoming Fourth of July weekend, please allow me to make a Jaws reference.

Imagine that Quint is the Yankees' playoff hopes and Jaws is the current lineup, which last night featured Jayson Nix (.303 OPB) hitting second and Vernon Wells (.634 OPS) in the cleanup spot. Well, here's what's been happening the last month:


The Yanks either need a bigger boat, a.k.a. immediate lineup help, or they're going to continue spitting up blood. Even though they came from behind to win 10-4 last night, they still had this and this happen in the past week. They're just lucky the Twins were even sloppier (3 wild pitches, 2 errors, 1 passed ball) than them last night.

A bunch of articles have been written about the Yankees' struggles over the past few weeks (here's one from Grantland's Jonah Keri and here's another from the Post's Joel Sherman), but the problem is that there does not seem to be much help on the way. The team is exactly halfway through the season, but much of the early excitement has dissipated.

Here are the three most important questions the Bronx Bummers face the rest of the way:

Monday, July 1, 2013

How Do We Remember the Battle of Gettysburg?

The Battle of Gettysburg, usually cited as the turning point of the Civil War, began on this date 150 years ago. While I won't be one of the many Civil War re-enactors descending upon the Pennsylvania town this week, I thought I'd acknowledge the battle here. It was one of the most important events in our country's history, later immortalized in President Lincoln's short memorial address.

If you're interested, click here for an interactive map of the battle created by the Smithsonian that I spent waaaay too much time playing around with today.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't include Coach Boone's speech from Remember the Titans:

How Nice is Free Stuff?

My wedding's coming up in less than two weeks and I'm excited for many things: a beautiful ceremony, great music, starting a life with my terrific wife-to-be, all that great stuff.

But do you know what all my guests should be most excited for? The bag of wedding favors they'll get when they check into their hotel. Party favors are the best, as free as free can be. It recently struck me that the material things we value most in life are the things that don't cost us anything. Think about it. We love goody bags, open bars, Christmas gifts, and complimentary drinks.

How Cool can Tobacco Make You?

Yesterday, my little brother and sister were badgering my buddy Ken about why he chews tobacco. After about the eighteenth question along the lines of, "Why do you do it if it doesn't taste good?," he finally answered, "I don't know."

But I know. People have been smoking and chewing tobacco for eons, and they've proved over and over that it's cool. Look:


You can't tell me that James Dean would look like nearly as much of a badass without the stog in his mouth.

Here are a few other movie stars that have seen cigarettes enhance their personas: