Wednesday, June 19, 2013

How Problematic are Some Workday Mornings?

Here's a story I hope you can relate to:
I woke up late this morning after staying up to watch Game 6 of the 2013 NBA Finals, a.k.a. the Ray Allen Game. I was already not thrilled about it being Hump Day (at least not as thrilled as the camel from the Geico commercial), but then it got worse. I realized that I hadn't done laundry in a couple weeks. When I opened my closet to find socks, the only ones there had at least one hole each. Why do I keep socks with holes in them? Why don't I buy some new pairs? What is my deal? Those are all valid questions that sped through my mind. Anyways, here's how I ended up dressing for work:


Call me a skell or call me non-rich if you must. But at least have some pity on me for wearing these socks all day. If you haven't experienced the indignity of putting up with such clothing, here are some other workday problems that you've probably gone through.

Worst Workday Morning Experiences

In no particular order...

Oversleeping
Whether it's sleeping through your alarm, being hungover, or simply trying to snooze a few extra minutes at the expense of the rest of your morning, oversleeping is a rough way to start the day. My worst experience came when I lost my phone the night before and had no alarm. It was the morning after the Super Bowl and there was obviously no way for my job to contact me. So the secretary at work did what she was supposed to and called my emergency contact, my mother. That's right, my mother! Horrible turn of events. You can bet your bottom dollar that I changed my emergency contact pretty damn quick.

Stepping in dogshit
The ol' dooh-dooh stomp, literally the shittiest way to start your morning. People always say stepping in poop is good luck, as is having a bird crap on your head or having it rain on your wedding day. Not true, not true, and not true. Probably the only thing worse than stepping in dogshit is being forced to lick a sample of dogshit's white variety.



Getting caught in the rain
It happens to me a few times a year, where I'm caught in the middle of the city in a downpour. Terrible feeling with no way to escape. As Harry Dunne from Dumb and Dumber would say, "That Jimmy Buffett's full of shit." A few months ago, I even experienced the infamous car-splashing-you-with-a-monstrous-puddle move, which I thought only happened on TV. I was wrong.

Missing your train / Getting caught in traffic
These are on the same level for different types of commuters. The following scenarios are grounds for me to commit a homicide:
1) Missing the subway because a fat and/or slow person takes his or her sweet-ass time on the staircase.
2) Missing a train or bus connection because the first one was late.
3) Sitting in crawling traffic as surrounding car horns blare. (This one might be grounds for a triple-homicide.)

Traveling to work without the solace of an upcoming summer vacation
(This one was a little mean, but I had to. Sorry.)
Just five days until the school-year ends and teachers get a much-needed break from stepping in dogcrap and dealing with the morning commute. How sweet it is.

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