Tuesday, June 25, 2013

How Pizza-Faced are These Characters?

Fox News had a science story today about a newly-discovered "knobby-headed beast" that roamed the desert 200 million years ago. Here's what they meant by "knobby-headed":

Ever hear of Clearasil, bro?
 The bastard kind of looked like the rhino from Robin Hood.

Anyways, it seems quite obvious why the creature, known as Bunostegos akokanensis, went extinct. How was he ever supposed to get a girl? I don't think any sexy female lizards were lining up to keep the gene pool alive. As a former pizza-face, I speak from experience when I tell you that nothing kills your game with the ladies like a pimple-covered grill.

In honor of the newly-discovered lizard, here are some of my favorite dermatologically-challenged individuals:

Krusty Burger Worker

I wrote about Two-Face during the winter when I compared the Batman villain to the Knicks and Rangers. In the comics, Two-Face goes insane after having acid poured on half his face. Ouch, baby; very ouch.

Charles Bukowski
The archetypical Barfly Skell.
Buk is one of my personal favorites, and he often wrote about how his poor skin traumatized him as a young adult. The silver lining of his skin condition was the fact that it drove him to successful careers in writing and alcoholism. Bukowski was some drinker. Look at this quote from his semi-autobiographical novel Women:
"That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen."


In my eyes, Seal pulling in Heidi Klum is still a Miracle on Ice-type upset. The dude's face has more ups and downs than Bukowski's blood-alcohol level. Also, the fact that Seal did get Heidi sort of kills my original thesis about inevitable extiction for knob-headed animals. Still, no analysis of individuals with horrible skin would have been complete without Seal.


  1. My favorite pizza face is Karl Marx. I don't know how accurate this article is (the real link is behind a paywall, so I had to rely on a crappy substitute), but the gist is that Marx had a pizza face skin condition, and it made him so angry that he invented communism. I like to think that the entire Cold War can be traced back to a really bad blackhead.


    1. I actually think I had heard something about that before. Marx was also an alcoholic, so maybe the Communist Manifesto was written in a drunken stupor. Like after it was published, Marx said, "I wrote WHAT?" Thanks for commenting again, Matty.