Thursday, June 27, 2013

How Dumb am I?

Two of my favorite things -- my baseball team and my bar -- converged for a great night on Tuesday. The Rambling House in the Bronx chartered a bus to the Yankee game and I couldn't have asked for a better time. The beer was flowing, the laughs were plentiful, and many of my friends took the booze-filled bus to the game. Oh, and the Yankees won on a walk-off homer. The Bombers broke out of their power slump (at least temporarily) by hitting four homers, including a shot by Ichiro Suzuki in the bottom of the ninth. They hit three of their home runs off Yu Darvish, on of the best pitchers in baseball. In short, Wednesday night made me look smart one day after I posted a story entitled "How Great is Baseball?"

There was just one problem. I. Wasn't. There.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

How Pizza-Faced are These Characters?

Fox News had a science story today about a newly-discovered "knobby-headed beast" that roamed the desert 200 million years ago. Here's what they meant by "knobby-headed":

Ever hear of Clearasil, bro?
 The bastard kind of looked like the rhino from Robin Hood.

Anyways, it seems quite obvious why the creature, known as Bunostegos akokanensis, went extinct. How was he ever supposed to get a girl? I don't think any sexy female lizards were lining up to keep the gene pool alive. As a former pizza-face, I speak from experience when I tell you that nothing kills your game with the ladies like a pimple-covered grill.

In honor of the newly-discovered lizard, here are some of my favorite dermatologically-challenged individuals:

Monday, June 24, 2013

How Great is Baseball?

I went to the Yankee game last Wednesday night and, like many others, I was struck by how punchless their lineup was. Jayson Nix was the two-hitter and Thomas Neal was batting fifth. The most frequently asked question at Yankee Stadium that night was, "Who the hell is Thomas Neal?"

Thursday, June 20, 2013

How Does NBA Draft Terminology Apply to Everyday Situations?

Last Sunday, my buddy and I got up after a long night out and quickly began discussing which bar we should visit that morning. Some of our other friends marveled at the grit and determination we were showing. We began joking that the term "great motor," usually reserved for athletes with impressive drive and stamina, could also describe my love for the "hair of the dog" on Sundays.

With the NBA Draft happening next Thursday and with that story in mind, here are some other funny ways that draft terminology could be applied to non-basketball situations:

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

How Problematic are Some Workday Mornings?

Here's a story I hope you can relate to:
I woke up late this morning after staying up to watch Game 6 of the 2013 NBA Finals, a.k.a. the Ray Allen Game. I was already not thrilled about it being Hump Day (at least not as thrilled as the camel from the Geico commercial), but then it got worse. I realized that I hadn't done laundry in a couple weeks. When I opened my closet to find socks, the only ones there had at least one hole each. Why do I keep socks with holes in them? Why don't I buy some new pairs? What is my deal? Those are all valid questions that sped through my mind. Anyways, here's how I ended up dressing for work:

Call me a skell or call me non-rich if you must. But at least have some pity on me for wearing these socks all day. If you haven't experienced the indignity of putting up with such clothing, here are some other workday problems that you've probably gone through.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

How Raucous are Chants?

I was at a bachelor party in Atlantic City this weekend -- skelling hard, of course -- and we were chanting frequently. I can't repeat most of the inappropriate chants here, but suffice it to say that the chants enhanced the quality of the party.

It got me thinking about some of my favorite chants of all-time. Here are my top five:

5. "Na, na, na, naaa... na, na, na, naaa.... Hey, hey, heeey...goodbye!"
This chant comes from the song "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" and is a mainstay at any event at which someone gets ejected. It's great to be part of the chorus when someone gets thrown out, unless the guy getting booted is the one buddy you came to the game with. Trust me, I know from experience.

4. "Who's your daddy?!!"
This phrase, directed mockingly at Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, was probably the most spirited chant I ever took part in. During the 2004 ALCS, Pedro said, "They beat me. They're that good right now. They're that hot. I just tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy." Obviously, Yankee fans picked up that quote and ran with it, leading to raucous Yankee Stadium crowds twisting any JumboTron noise into "Who's your daddy?" The chant resurfaced later when Pedro pitched for the Phillies and Mets.

The New York tabloids and fans had a lot of fun abusing Pedro.

3. "Let's go Yankees!", "Boston Sucks!"
Two oldies but goodies, these are the songs of my youth. They will never get old. And -- certainly -- neither will the top two chants on this list...

2. "Olé, Olé, Olé, Olé, Ohh-lé, Ohh-lé!"

You're damn right I just went ethnic on your ass! This is a great chant at a soccer game, or any other event where a heavy dosage of alcohol is being consumed. Still, the "Olé" chant is no match for the superpower of this list.

1. "U-S-A!"
I've posted this before and I'll post it again:

The "U-S-A!" chant is numero uno NUMBER ONE for its unifying power. Nationalism on top of patriotism, served with a side of allegiance to the flag. It may even seem irrational at times, but it's amazing to chant for your country as 50,000 other people do the same.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

How Pertinent are How Blank's Questions?

I had been toying with some slogans for How Blank and recently settled on "Pondering the Universe's Least Pertinent Questions." You may not have noticed it until Kavanaugh referenced it in his last post. Some other ideas I had for slogans were "How Blank: Crap Our Brains Think" and "How Blank: Where Skells Attempt to be Funny."

I think I made the right decision with "Pondering the Universe's Least Pertinent Questions," and I'll try to explain why. In The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the narrator tells the story of a group of hyper-intelligent beings seeking the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. The computer they create in order to answer this question gives the answer 42. Confused, the beings must then build another computer, this one to come up with the actual question for which the answer is 42. Confusing, but pretty funny if you read the book. The point is, I think How Blank's questions are way less pertinent than the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Still, at least we know what those questions are.

One more example to put our new slogan into perspective comes from -- where else? -- The Simpsons.

We've all heard Bob Dylan's classic "Blowin' in the Wind," and I think Homer does what many of us are tempted to do. That is, he tries to answer really deep questions that have no definite answers. Similarly, when I ask "How Many Skells Will I See in Atlantic City This Weekend?", I'm not actually looking for the answer. But that doesn't mean I can't ponder the question and others like it, no matter their lack of pertinence.

Monday, June 10, 2013

How Can Tom Petty Explain This Baseball Season?

Over the weekend a Tom Petty concert in L.A. got shut down because the venue was over capacity by 100 people. Ever the stand-up guy, Petty said he would reimburse fans out of his own pocket if that was the only way they could get their money back.
I hadn't thought about Petty in a while, but the story got me thinking about which of his songs could describe the baseball season so far. Here are 10 tunes that aptly explain some of MLB's most important storylines of 2013:

Thursday, June 6, 2013

How Happy Are They, Jimmy?

Ya Know Ronnie, Folks who save hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico sure are happy.

How happy are they, Jimmy?

Happier than Kavanaugh talking about commercials! 

I love funny commercials. That might seem rather obvious (who doesn't?) but I've seen first-hand the corporate red tape that can prevent good ideas from coming to fruition. So truly funny commercials delight me a little more for this reason. And as a fellow tradesman in the craft of using “How ___” to great comedic effect, the Geico “Happier Than” commercials are some of my favorites. 

Here are my Top 5:

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

How Have the Knicks Been Spending the Early Off-Season?

It’s been 2 and a half weeks since the Knicks’ season ended, and since we’re pondering the universe’s least pertinent questions, how have the ‘Bockers been spending their time?

Don't see a ton of golf being played by this crew

I am oddly curious/fascinated by the off the court lives of NBA guys, especially how they relate to the public eye and pop culture in general. Here’s what some of the Knicks have been up to:

**For those not interested in the Knicks, scroll down to Iman Shumpert’s section. I guarantee it has wide appeal

Monday, June 3, 2013

How Does Pop Culture Treat the Home?

I'm in the process of moving out of my apartment right now, and I'm a bit sad to leave my little craphole. It's been a great home for me the past four years, even though it currently looks like this:

Note: The second photo is exactly how it looked when I walked in from work this afternoon. My clothes didn't dry properly at the laundromat last night, so I figured the best course of action was to spread them out all over the kitchen floor. It worked.

The point is, I no longer see my apartment as a crash-pad but as a true home. Kavanaugh had similar thoughts about leaving his apartment a few months ago, and even threw in Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" for good measure.

It got me thinking about the best pop-culture references to the home. Here they are, broken down by type of pop culture.