Friday, April 26, 2013

How Many Fats Will I See This Weekend?

I'm heading to Milwaukee this weekend to visit my little sisters at Marquette. That's right, for the next few days I'll be playing the role of the token creepy old guy on the college girls' couch. (What? There's nothing "token" about that, because it's not supposed to happen? Oh, well.)

I'm excited about the weekend for a few reasons. I've been to Milwaukee once, but this is my first time staying overnight. I have be honest, I was looking forward to seeing lots of fat Midwesterners. I figured the city would be filled with heifers, water buffalos, and other metaphorical fat animals. And that was just talking about the women. But now, I read that Milwaukee is actually the 17th-fittest city in the country, ahead of even my Big Healthy Apple (NYC is #22). This is like being told, on the eve of a trip to Africa, that you won't see any lions or giraffes. But I won't stand for it. In 2003, Milwaukee was America's 21st-fattest city. (Now we're talking.) At least a handful of those people are still around, staving off heart failure at this moment. I will find them. I will follow my nose to the German beer halls where they serve absurd amounts of bratwurst and Miller. I will have my Fat Milwaukee Safari.

Rest assured, FranT will find a FatT or two.

Other reasons (besides Fat-watching) I'm excited for Milwaukee:
--Marquette was recently ranked No. 6 on BarstoolU's "America's Most Underrated Party Schools" list. I couldn't find Notre Dame on the list, which I'm sure was just an egregious oversight. Here's what Barstool said about Marquette:
"[E]ven though the kids in Milwaukee might not be able to measure up to the ones over in Madison, they’re still probably the least socially inept Catholic school in the nation (which is the party school equivalent of being the smartest kid on the short bus, but still, credit where credit is due.)"
There were about four backhanded compliments in that sentence, but it still sounds fun!

--I can't wait to make a pilgrimage to the campus that nourished the talents of both Chris Farley and Dwyane Wade. My uncle, who attended Marquette in the 1980's with Farley, said Farley's two big gags were peeing on billiards-players' legs and throwing all the jackets into the snow outside house parties. Wade, meanwhile, carried the Golden Eagles (RIP, Warriors) to the Final Four in 2003. Can you think of two more different cool people than Farley and Wade? Maybe Christopher Walken and Lionel Messi?

--Seeing my two sisters, one of whom will graduate in a few weeks. It's gonna be awesome.

So wish me luck on my fatty-spying, underrated-partying, Chris Farley-imitating college weekend. Should be a good one.

No comments:

Post a Comment