Thursday, April 18, 2013

How Many F---'s Do You Give? Part 2

As FranT mentioned, this topic was broached (love broaching topics, by the way) and it has opened up a world of discussion and introspection among the How Blank writers & friends. I tend to give a great many f---’s out of 100, definitely between 70 and 80. As I thought of all the f---’s that I give, and how anyone ever gives any, I found it increasingly hard to wrap my head around it all. I was giving a lot of f---’s about a blog centered around giving f---’s, and I felt as if I was getting nowhere.


First I thought that, everyone, in truth, gives 100/100 f---’s, because even claiming to not give one about something is in fact giving one towards its opposite. That was a rabbit hole I didn’t want to go down.


Then I thought that The F---’s were just like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, but everything with that came down to money, and I like to think that while money plays a part in it, giving or not giving a f--- goes well beyond the concept of money.

Most of Adam Sandler's characters DGAF their way through life until faced with extraordinary circumstances




I finally realized that The F---’s exist in a sort of balance within 3 tiers. I don’t care whether you give 0/100 or 100/100, I think it’s about keeping whatever F---’s you do give in the right order and balance. Let me explain.




The way I see it, there are 3 big groups of f---’s that everyone can give, no matter how few or many you want to.


Core F---’s: 25%
These are foundational f---’s. You might not give them on a daily basis, but they are always on reserve should the need to give them occur. Can include but not limited to:


-The well-being of your family and friends
-Having some sort of income
-Having a home
-Education
-Having a few morals or values
-Feeling of self-worth
-Being happy at least some of the time

Pride and Prejudice is basically about giving a f--- about the wrong sh*t


Day to Day F---’s: 40%
This is the group that is the most in flux, and it’s the most important to try to balance. The reason that this is the biggest group is because there are the most to give or not give, not because they deserve the greatest importance. And if you have a few good Core F---’s, these day to day f---’s should never be too out of whack. Can include but not limited to:

-Arriving on time to work
-Remembering to call people back
-Working out
-Saving money
-Doing things you don’t feel like
-Cleaning the apartment
-Spending quality time with grandparents
-Being right about everything
-Having a plan for a long-term career

Advertising plays on our Day to Day F---'s:



This list could go on for a while. And this group is the most likely to bring us down if we give too many or prioritize poorly, which is why it’s nice every once in awhile just to DGAF. When we take vacations, this is the group we leave behind.

Extemporaneous F---’s: 35%
These are by far my favorite f---’s. Most of them involve only you, if they even involve you at all, and therefore no one can f--- with your f---’s or taint their purity. Here are some of mine, for example:

-“The Switch” episode of Seinfeld. All of Seinfeld.
-The fate of the Knicks this season
-The beers on tap of the bar I walk into
-Pizza
-Peach Lake
-The oxford comma
-Ducking in
-Making puns
-Ancient Roman history
-NBA history
-Taking funny pictures of my godson and his sister

I give a f--- about those things, but the beauty is that you could not give any f---’s about them, and I, in turn, don’t give a f--- that you don’t.

Soccer hooligans give tons of f---'s
Those are the 3 tiers. Now here’s the tricky part: keeping them in balance. For instance...

If you became too concerned with your Day to Day F---’s, you could exceed your limit, and the other two groups would suffer.

If you gave a f--- about having a beer more than you gave a f--- about having a home, things could get dicey. But we’ve all had those weekends.

If you put too many Day to Day F---’s above your Core F---’s, you might become an arrogant s.o.b. and your friends would hate you.

Schools like Holy Cross and Notre Dame were littered with kids who gave a f--- about achievement to an unhealthy extent. Luckily, there’s always kids like FranT, LunD, and me to give a f--- about having a good time.

FranT gave a f--- about having a good time, but not about potentially overloading the washer on his $2.50 load.

I give a lot of f---’s, but certainly one of them can’t be about spending money. Another round of strawberry for me and my friends!



The examples are everywhere, but the story remains the same: 0 f---’s or 100 f---’s, it’s about balancing your f---’s. How many f---'s do you give? I bet it's more than you think.

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