Wednesday, April 24, 2013

How Many Bible Characters Would You Hang Out With?

I haven't seen it yet, but apparently the History Channel's The Bible miniseries is great. I'll probably try to watch it on DVD this summer. Despite missing the show, I have been thinking a lot about what it would have been like to live during some of the Bible's famous eras. For example, how much fun would it have been to live when David smote Goliath in the best underdog victory ever? And how much would it have sucked to spend 40 years in the desert with the Israelites? No amount of Frank's Red Hot could make manna taste good for that long.

I have also been wondering which Bible characters I would have befriended. I'm talking about buddies I could joke around and have a few beers with. Obviously, this eliminates ladies, no matter how hot or cool Sarah, Jezebel, or Mary Magdalene were.

I came up with at least eight guys from the Bible that absolutely would have been part of my crew. (Some of them were literally kings, so obviously I would have been part of their crews.) The one caveat--most of these guys are Jewish, so I would not be happy about having to drop tons of money at all their kids' Bar Mitzvahs.

1. Adam
The original bachelor. Before Eve came along, Adam was just hanging out nude in the Garden of Eden all day. I'm sure he was drinking heavenly wine and killing divine pigs to make bacon. Sounds like a pretty good deal. Now, imagine if he could have had a couple of buddies to pal around with. I'm sure the Garden of Eden would have been the hot-spot. He at least deserved a great bachelor party before Eve stole his rib, his home, and his innocence.

2. Noah
I love to party on the lake during the summertime, and Noah had the ill houseboat. Noah and I would have been singing "Sweet Home Alabama" all flood long.

3. Samson
God gave Samson otherworldly strength, so he would have been the ultimate security blanket in barfights. "Oh yeah, three fat bouncers? Well, my boy Samson over there slayed an entire army using only the jawbone of an ass as a weapon." Unfortunately, our other friends and I would have probably shaved Samson's head after he passed out following a long night out, rendering him useless. Also, he got lots of girls and I never got any.

4. Job
Job is the down-on-his-luck friend that everyone in the group abuses regularly. He sort of just takes it and says things like "FML." This makes it funnier and encourages the group to keep crapping on the guy. I can imagine pulling a Lloyd Christmas on Job after Satan takes his money and his kids away from him:


5. St. Peter
The all-around good guy of the group. Peter is similar to Brian Kavanaugh, who some of our friends refer to as "the nicest kid in the world." (Kind of a sweet comparison, I know.)  Peter defended Jesus during the Passion and cut a Roman soldier's ear off. He went on to become the first Pope and was also crucified for his beliefs, but he requested that he be crucified upside down because he was unworthy of Jesus Christ. Peter currently guards the gates of heaven, which is an obvious bonus to our hypothetical friendship.

"But you can leave the side door unlocked for your old buddy FranT, right?"

6. St. John the Baptist
Jesus' older cousin. I can just imagine John giving Jesus a washing-machine* during the baptism, then telling him not to cry about it.

*The washing-machine is a classic bullying maneuver performed by big kids on smaller kids. Essentially, the big kid just repeatedly dunks the small kid, then brings him up, dunks him, brings him up...This continues until the small kid is crying and shooting water out of his nose.

7. St. Paul the Apostle
Paul was one af the great religious leaders of all time, carrying his buddy Jesus' message all throughout Europe. Every group needs the go-getter, the guy that's gonna get everyone off their asses to do something.
See if you can pick out the modern-day Paul in this clip:


8. Jesus
Obvi.

Some notable omissions from the list:
--Moses. Way too Type A. Really, Ten Commandments? Couldn't he have just exercised some editorial independence and trimmed those laws down before giving them to the Israelites?
--Judas. Way too much of a whistleblower. Would have loved to be there when he got his comeuppance, though.
--The Three Magi. Way too many inside jokes. The trio of wise men trekked around the desert together for years. I hate going to parties with people I don't know too well. I can't imagine having to suppress the urge to make them explain all their jokes to me.

So, in total, I would have surely hung out with four guys each from the Old and New Testaments. I'm pretty sure that crew in a place like Vegas would demolish anything that came into its path. Just a complete free-for-all that FranT would just be happy to be a part of.

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