Tuesday, March 12, 2013

How Often Should You Open New Toothpaste?

How often should you open a new tube of toothpaste?
The question's not quite as dumb as it sounds. Think about it for a second. There's always more toothpaste in the tube. Always. It's really just a question of how far you're willing to go to get it. Will you roll the bottom of the tube all the way to the top? Are you so broke that you'll cut open the bottom of the tube to get a couple more brushes out of it?

Yes, I use Aim. Two reasons:
1. It's cheap.
2. As my fiancée says, "It tastes like candy."

So how often should a new tube be broken out? It really is an unanswerable question. Some other pertinent questions for bachelors to consider...  

How often should you do dishes?
Some weeks, I do dishes daily. Other times, I have waited over a month.
Currently, I'm about two weeks into a rotation. Here, look:

I know, I know. FranT is DirT. Call me a skell if you must. But the sponges and half-empty detergent prove that I have done dishes before. Besides, to quote the great Charles Bukowski for the second time in as many posts:
"Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I'll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities."
--from Tales of Ordinary Madness

How often should you eat pizza?
Frequently. Again, these questions are all "If a tree falls in the forest"-type unanswerable questions, but pizza should be a staple of any bachelor's diet. I have it 3-4 times a week (Friday, Sunday, and 1-2 other nights).

How will you ever find a girlfriend if you live like this?
That's the rub. In the beginning of any relationship, you'll probably have to tighten up your act (aka, be someone you're not) and be ultra-hygienic. Once you trick her into dating you, though, maybe she'll start to see the usefulness of thrifty moves like rolling the toothpaste tube all the way up. If not, she's probably not a keeper anyway.

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