Friday, February 22, 2013

How Lazy were Lunchables?

This post was originally called "How Poor were Lunchables?" but my family was broke when I was growing up and we never ate Lunchables.* Also, I think Lunchables were actually kind of expensive.

*When I say broke, I mean broke. I remember running out of hot water as I crammed into the bathtub with my little brother, then my Dad boiling water on the stove to give us a "blast of hot." We'd go from freezing to being scalded back to freezing again. My parents owe me for not calling ACS about that child abuse.

But you know why our family or even Bob Cratchit's family would never eat Lunchables? Because it only takes three minutes to make a sandwich with regular ham, turkey, or bologna. I mean, look at the ingredients for a Lunchables ham "sandwich":


Listen, I know kids are expensive ($235Knot including college) and can turn any parent into Jack Nicholson from The Shining. But still, we shouldn't be trying to give them heart attacks before they turn twelve.

When Lunchables first became popular, I was a little jealous of the kids that had them every day in the cafeteria. They'd be all smug with their shiny Lunchables packages while I made do with a smushed-up sandwich that somehow had the meat on the outside and the bread on the inside. Looking back, though, the only thing good about Lunchables was that they came in that cool-looking package instead of a ratty little lunch box. My sandwich may have been made hours earlier, but Lunchables might have been packaged for years before being eaten.

I must admit I am a Boar's Head snob (a post for a different time), but any cold-cut brand would be exponentially better than Lunchables. I guess Lunchables provides you with 35% of your daily value of calcium (probably from the Oreos) to counteract the 46% sodium and 45% saturated fat. That way, at least the rib bones around your heart are strong when the heart itself explodes.

Far be it for me to criticize parents, but the only explanation for using Lunchables is relative laziness. And I'm sure I'll be in the same position when I have kids in a few years. I'll just assume their little bodies and quick metabolisms can handle being pumped full of delicious chemicals. Hell, I might even give my kids Lunchables burgers and tacos.


Yummy! Again, notice that they're an "Excellent Source of Calcium." Does that outweigh the negative aspects of Lunchables (i.e., eventual heart attacks)? You tell me. Just how lazy were Lunchables?

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